Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Saturday, November 22, 2008
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
I know I have impeccable hygiene, heck, I shower twice a day, whether I need it or not and rarely do I leave home without a fine mist of cologne but something tells me it was neither the body wash or the cologne. When a complete stranger walks up to you and whispers, "You smell so good, you need to have sex with me." What do you say?
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Friday, November 07, 2008
It all began as an overcast day, a dampness hung in the air, a fine mist, but without any wetness, if you know what I mean. Certainly not a good day to be outside, but none the less, that's where I ended up, outside. Some free time, away from work, away from home, away from everything and everybody was just what the Doctor ordered and who was I to argue. I stopped the truck, stepped out, heard the click of the locking door as I walked away, never once looking back. The first warning should have been the shiver that ran up my spine, but it wasn't. Even the dark, grey clouds that circled and swirled overhead was ignored. I walked and walked thinking about everything while thinking about nothing. Well, needless to say, the dampness in the air got thicker and heavier, the swirling clouds turned the mist into rain and I got soaked! Too far from the truck to make a mad dash, I hunkered down under an oak tree, its limbs giving me some protection during the heaviest of the downpour, but I still got soaked to the bone. It wasn't cold, but I guess with the slight drop in temp and along with being drenched, I couldn't shake the chill that had set in. Cold, wet, and shivering I sat there until the worst had passed then I retraced my steps, back to the truck and the welcoming sound as the door lock clicked open. The truck's dryness, its warmth cradled me, but when the truck's heater failed to warm the chill away, I knew I was in trouble. When I heard that little nagging voice whisper, "Don't let it be said, I didn't try and warn you. Far be it from me to say, I told you so." I knew I was in for trouble, I should have listened, but I didn't and there's no one else to blame. It's my fault, all mine. In the back of my mind, I saw the flashing red lights, that nagging voice in the back of my head whispered warnings of danger, but I didn't listen. Did Will Robinson ever heed the "Robot's" cry of danger ahead? NO! And like Will, I am suffering the consequences of my stubbornness along with plenty of reminders: chills, fever, hacking dry cough, rattling in the chest, wheezing, sneezing, watery eyes, sore throat........................
Saturday, November 01, 2008
Monday, October 27, 2008
I knew it! I knew he was going to be pissed. I knew there would be hell to pay, but I couldn't resist. I tried! I really did. Well, on second thought, maybe I didn't. Maybe I did flirt a little too much, but I'm tired of listening to him. I'm tired of hiding inside this cramped dark closet. I'm tired of living this celibate life. I'm tried of living in his shadow, hidden away in his darkness. I want to feel again, to live again, I want to know what love feels like again. And if I leave it up to the two of you, well, we all know what will happen and I'm not ready to accept that fate. So here is your warning, if I get the chance, I'm kicking the damn door off its hinges.
Listen at you! Going to kick the damn door down, huh? What makes you think you can do it now after all these years? The two of you are giving me a migraine, sit down, shut up, and listen. If its not him ranting and raving, then its you ranting and raving. Give it a break! Take a deep breath, calm down, and think about this thing. My life is no picnic here, let me tell you. Day after day, I sit here, I watch the battle, the struggles, with needle and thread I stitch up the bloody wounds each of you inflict on one another. It's hard, I know its hard, both of you are strong in your convictions, determined to fight until the end, neither one willing to give an inch, but something's got to give. The battles are getting bloodier and frankly Florence Nightingale is getting tired. The two of you must find a compromise, we are in this thing together, and whether you like it or not we are stuck with each other....................
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
When I've been too tired to stand alone, too weary to carry the burdens. When I've almost given up you have cradled me in your arms, surrounded me with your love, protected me not only from the world, but from myself. Your love, your kindness gives me hope, gives me strength, gives me a reason to believe again.
Thank-you for being my guardian angels..........
Monday, October 13, 2008
Turn to the right three times stop on 27, back counter-clock wise two turns stop on 39, back again to the right, stop on 3, turn handle to open...........
Simple instructions, but obviously the wrong combination, the safe is still locked. Once again, to the right, back to the left, right again stopping on 3, crank the handle, still nothing, the safe is still locked, its job of safekeeping still intact. Angrily, I twist the dial hard. Why, for what, I know it isn't going to make it open, but for a millisecond the anger is dissipated. The tumblers inside the lock still turn with ease and with the right combination of turns and twist and numbers will fall one after the other in sequence, each one relinquishing its hold of what was entrusted and the door will open..... my heart will be free to love again.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
Wednesday, October 08, 2008
Monday, October 06, 2008
Friday, October 03, 2008
How long had it been? I couldn't remember, but heck it's kind of like riding a bike. Years between rides, flat tires, rusted chains, none of it matters, once you've done it a time or two, it is something you never forget how to do. So I thought, what did I have to lose, absolutely nothing. I took a deep breath and sank to my knees. I admit, I was a little wobbly, a little rusty but this was something I needed to do. The desire was so strong I couldn't back out, I wanted it so bad, I could almost taste it, without ever parting my lips. I was nervous, my hands shook, and briefly I thought about getting up, about walking away, forgetting it all together, but it had been so long and I so needed to do this. I closed my eyes, another deep breath, and I started! Dear God, forgive me, I know I have sinned! I know I am not worthy but if you are still answering prayer, please, if you see fit answer one for me. The crispness of the air filled my lungs and the cool breeze touched my face like the gentle hands of a lover this morning on my way to work and I just can't survive another day locked away inside. Please God, give me the strength of Samson, lead me to the pillars of stone, help me Lord, to bring down the walls, let them tumble at the feet of my captors. I am suffocating, stuck inside these walls, please set me free. I need to be outside, I need to feel, to breath the freshness of Fall! I need to run naked through the falling leaves..... well, maybe not naked, but none the less, I need to be outside, damn it! Amen.
OK, I did it. Stephen slowly gets up, sits down at his desk and goes back to work.
Update: Guess what? God does answer prayers, at least, sometimes. I finished up at work earlier than expected so I headed home, changed, put on some hiking shoes and spent some of the afternoon hiking, no interruptions, no distractions, just me and the fresh Autumn air...
Friday, September 26, 2008
Dr. Henry Jekyll (aka Stephen)
Sunday, September 21, 2008
There's no other place for me than here, now, in your arms. I thirst for you even when my glass is full, hold me, let me drink you in. When I am in your arms, I am safe. Your touch warms away the coldness of this life, I shiver no more. When I am in your arms, I am complete.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Sunday, September 14, 2008
I guess we all need a good cry sometimes or at least feel like we do. That was me, that was the other day. I can't explain, I can't put my finger on just one thing causing the waters to rise but they were just under the surface. My day had clouded over, there was no light, no warmth, the walls were closing in tighter and tighter. On the inside I was drowning in tears, but no one knew, I never let on, I simply pulled out the mask with the frozen smile and carried on. I wish I could say my Prince Charming rode in and saved the day, but alas, his GPS must still be broken, he has yet to ride in and carry me off into the sunset. But who needs a Prince Charming, I have you, my friends, my blogging family. Thank you for always being there..................
Sunday, September 07, 2008
I know this is more information than you asked for or in fact needed to know but I'd swear on my mother's grave someone had slipped me one of those little blue pills. You know the kind I'm talking about (if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours seek medical attention) pills! I was home alone and the only warm spot in bed was occupied by me, so this wasn't the case. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit and it is not unusual to wake up with one of those I-can-feel-my-heart-beating and the throbbing is not in my chest cavity problems, but most mornings I'm in such a rush where a morning piss and cold shower has to suffice. But this morning there was no rush and sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do. I will spare you the sordid details of how I went about curing the problem but something got short-circuited this morning. "Houston" would have been proud, the blast-off was a great one, but there is a slight problem, the rocket is still standing! No matter, I thought, a little more priming, another missile launch and the problem would resolve itself, after all it had been quite a while since I'd had the time for any kind of rocket launching. But, now it is mid-morning, I've launched the rocket four times already, and I beginning to wonder how many cold showers can one man take...........
Friday, September 05, 2008
How could this day get any worst, I thought, as I stood in the middle of the room turning around in circles trying to think of what it was I was doing before being interrupted for the millionth time. The tightening fingers of the quick sand held me within its grasp and I was slowing sinking lower and lower. Stephen, I need you. Stephen, can you help me? Stephen, this phone call is for you. Stephen, Stephen, Stephen...................
The hands on the clock was not ticking away fast enough for this day to end.
I'll be right there . . . What is it I can help you with . . . Hello, this is Stephen. . .
The rest of you........get in line, take a number, I'll call you when it is your turn.
I am so looking forward to the weekend..................
Tuesday, September 02, 2008
"But I'm dying, can't you see, can't you feel it, without me there is only existence, there is no life! If I die, you die." Please, I want to live....................
Words from an earlier post that keep ringing like an incessant ringing phone. Over and over I hear them, words burnt into the retina, I see them. Their flame is as cold as the Olympic Torch, a rusty knob denies the life sustaining gas needed for them to live, but somehow buried under all the ash the embers are still warm, they fight for life, they refuse to go out. I ask myself, who am I to deny them their chance at life, I am not God. Nothing but a man, with desires denied, I am. A conflicted man looking for balance.............
Thursday, August 28, 2008
I'm doing something I've never done. I'm erasing a post. I wish I could erase the whole day the post was about, but I can't. Things happen for a reason, sometimes we don't understand them and sometimes it is hard to accept them, but we must, if we are to survive another day. I usually don't talk about work and the things that go on and after having some time I realized I had done just that. We all have bad days, we deal with them, we go on.
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
After days of rain, and the likely possibility of another flood, the dove has returned with an olive branch and faith has been restored that we will again have dry land. Well maybe not, according to the Weather Channel looks like the "bitch" is circling around creating another low front and will be coming toward us from the other side, nothing major, just more rain. This past weekend was rainy, high winds, nasty, nasty weather, everything is wet, soggy, messy, but we actually were the lucky ones. We caught the band of winds and rain from Tropical Storm Fay only once, whereas, some felt her fury again and again as she criss-crossed across the State of Florida causing major flooding and loss of life. I've got the day off and while it is not raining, I need to get out and pick up some of the branches blown down, but I wanted to say thanks for the comments and for caring. Hugs from the heart..............
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
"Let Me Out!"
"NO!" You know I can't. We've been through this before. You know you're in there for a reason. "Quit asking!"
"Please, I promise to be good this time."
That's what you said last time, and you remember what happened then, don't you?
"You know it wasn't my fault, it just happened. Besides, you were with me, so you're just as much to blame as I was. Now let me out!"
Like I had a choice, you dragged me along protesting, kicking and screaming, but would you listen, NO! You had to go through with it and you see what happened. It's better you stay in there, we're both safer this way.
"But I'm dying, can't you see, can't you feel it, without me there is only existence, there is no life! If I die, you die." Please, I want to live....................
Saturday, August 16, 2008
Artist: Jay Brannan
Have you heard of Jay Brannan? I had not, until I came across him this week while blog hopping (can't remember which blog, sorry) so I had to google him. Take a listen and see if you like him, as much as I do.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Adrenalin pumped, muscle straining, record breaking, fist pumping, another gold medal win excitement. Sitting on edge, heart pounding, blood rushing, then a fall from the balance beam, a stumble, another fall on the floor exercise, a foot out of bounds, the chin quivers, a tear falls, gold medal disappointment. My eyes are blood shot, my body's tired, its been almost midnight or later each night before I can tear my eyes away, I can't get enough, I'm addicted.
Wednesday, August 06, 2008
I know, I've always been the strong one, the anchor in the raging storm. My arms have held you, protected you, but today I need someone to hold me. I need to feel protected, I need to feel the warmth, the safety of someone's arms around me. I need an anchor.............
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Today's story is from the pages of a book, covered in dust, hidden away in the archives of Stephen's library. Hidden amongst other books covered in cobwebs, it is a book not often shared or even read by its author. It doesn't make for a good bedtime story nor would it ever make the Bestsellers list, but if your interest has been peaked, sit back, get comfortable, while I rummage through the pages. Ages ago, way, way back almost to the beginning of time when man first began to walk upright is where the story begins. Well, OK, maybe not that far back, but some days my old bones feel as if they were around when the dinosaurs roamed the land, when creatures other than man ruled the world but for the sake of time let's fast forward a few years. The once crisp white pages have now aged, yellowed, the ink faded with the passing of time, some passages barely illegible, somewhat like a memory, bits remembered, bits forgotten. Thumbing through the pages, eyes briefly, quickly reading a few of the faded words as page after page falls upon one another, one passage catches my eye. I stop, I read the words, so long ago written. How could it be? I had forgotten all about this, somehow, somewhere, all that was, was lost in the blackness of forgetfulness. A chill runs down the spine and I shutter to think, wonder, is this what happens? Is it this easy to forget, to put aside hopes and dreams, to allow them to wither away, to die with the passing of time..............
Someday, I will listen to my heart, I will hear more than its beating, I will follow where it leads me. I promise, someday, I will live for me. What has happened, has happened, I can't change it, this I must realize, accept. I did what was expected, I did the right thing, but now I know they were your expectations, what was right for you. I do not place blame, no fault do I lay at your feet. You did, we did this together, certain things were not discussed, certain things were just not accepted. The footsteps in the sand were yours and I walked in them as a young boy, but now this man must make his own and I must remember as this man, I must allow the next young boy to make his own footprints in the sand. I will take his hand, he will walk beside me, this I promise. I pray, his footsteps will be led by his heart, not by his mind. I promise, the same mistakes will not be made. But for now, I will walk in your footsteps, I will do the right thing, I will listen only to the beats of a bleeding heart, but one day...........I promise, I will live for Stephen.
Book in hand, I pause, I sit there..................
The silence is interrupted only by the beating sound of a bleeding heart............
Monday, July 28, 2008
As most of the world sleeps, I stand here peering out into the night. My body is tired from the day's grind, my mind barely functional, but sleep eludes me once again. Exhausted, I would welcome sleep, as much as the arms of a lover, but I find that neither is within my grasp. Unable to shut down, unable to escape, I stand here. Another sleepless night.............
Thursday, July 24, 2008
I could hear the chants of the demons. Into the bowels of Hell, I was almost dragged, so close I came, the flesh searing heat I felt, but I survived. After the legal advise I received the other day, I'm not ashamed to admit for a few days there I was circling the drain. This meeting was an eye-opener! After everything was laid out, after the last card was dealt, after all the options was tossed around, I knew. After I heard the bottom line figure of a sixty to forty split, I knew. Being my own worst enemy, I had done most of the damaged to myself and I knew the moment I walked out of that office, my demons were preparing for battle. But, this time I was ready, I immediately circled the wagons and waited for the attack. With a vengeance they came, gnashing of teeth, flesh ripping claws they came, some dreams and hopes got lost in the battle, but most importantly, I survived, survived to fight another day...........
Friday, July 18, 2008
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
My dear old dead Daddy always told me to look before leaping into anything, otherwise, you might find out the hole your dumb ass blindly leaped into is too damn deep to climb out of. And according to him, you never want to be the one saying, WTF, just happened! Well, I took dear old dead Daddy's advise and met with a lawyer today to see what my options might be...... IF....... mind you I said...... IF.......I decided to liquidate the union between the said parties of interest. Funny I used the word, liquidate.......but then again, I did hear it quite a bit today. Liquidate, said parties, of interest, and although he didn't come right out and say it, but you're fucked, should have been in there, as well.
Friday, July 11, 2008
There is nothing I hate more that having to attend a meeting, and this one was mandatory. There was no way out short of it being a matter of life and death, no exceptions the memo stated. No exceptions!
Only one way out I thought, as I thumbed through the newspaper, searching for the obituaries. Scanning the names, not even a cousin twice removed, not even a friend of a friend, not one name, did I vaguely recognize. Damnit! No exceptions, no excuses, crumbling the newspaper, I resigned myself to the fate that awaited. But I had some time, maybe the phone would ring with an impeding death, a last reprieve from the coroner, I still could be saved, I refused to give up hope. I waited, I waited, hand ready to grab the phone, box of tissues for the crying eyes, I was ready, but no phone call came, not even a wrong number. I was doomed, the time had come, I could not wait any longer, feet dragging, dead man walking, down the corridor I went.
As I took a seat, I thought to myself, here we go again. Another meeting, going over the same stuff, listening to the same complaints, hearing the same suggestions, nothing new, nothing changed. How far from the truth, could I've been. Of course, there were some of the same old boring statistics, complaints, suggestions, but I won't bore you with those mundane details. However, I will tell you from the onset of the meeting, a guy sitting across the room caught my eye. I knew everyone there, had seen everyone there day in and day out, but had never seen this new guy. Turned out he was a quest speaker, one of those motivational speakers, some companies use to boost moral. Like I said, he had already caught my eye, but once he took the floor and began his speech, he had my undivided attention. He was what dreams are made of. I know you've heard women say "He undressed me with his eyes," well I'm sure he knows how it feels. Now, don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with the way he was dressed. Tie to match his blue shirt, shirt perhaps slightly starched, tucked into a pair of khaki pants, fitted just enough to reveal the slightest hint of a bugle would have been enough to allow my eyes to feast upon, but I had him undressed before he had a chance to utter his first words. I don't know about anyone else, but thank goodness the table prevented others in seeing just how motivated I was.
Thursday, July 03, 2008
Just so you know, if at anytime you ever were to hear that Stephen is dead and it appears to have been self-inflicted, it seems to have been intentional, an apparent dead by his own hands, please investigate! I will be the first to tell you there is a Killer on the loose, a fugitive on the run and he has my blood on his hands! Stephen loves himself too much to ever commit suicide. However, I will be the first to admit through the years at some of the lowest times in my life, my demons have tried their damnest. As I try to recall, I remember on two of the most darkest times in my life, I did think about taking my own life, one as a teenager and one not so many years ago. When a close, loved friend committed suicide, his death, my lost, touched me in a way I never thought I feel the sun's warmth again. This time in my life is perhaps the nearest I ever came, those demons, my demons, dragged me so far down, I almost gave in. For weeks, months, I functioned only on auto-pilot, a zombie going through the motions of how you would describe a loved one on life support, I had breathe but not life. Had it not been for pray, friends, and time, I would have been lost. The pain, the anguish is still there, but then so am I. No matter how low my demons may drag me down, somehow, someway I will survive.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
I haven't much time, listen carefully! I'm being held prisoner, held against my will. For weeks on end, shackled, chained, I've been and I'm going stark raving mad. A constant companion I've had, faithful, loyal, always there. It is as if the doctor has placed me on a suicide watch and failed to tell me about it. I need some space, I need some time alone. When did you say your vacation is over? When will I be set free? When will I have time to myself again?
Got to run, my shadow is coming.............please don't forget me..........
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Saturday, June 07, 2008
Even though I haven't received a phone call or ransom note, doesn't make it not so. I know one of you has KIDNAPPED the sandman! For nights now, I have waited for my eyes to be dusted, but sleep has eluded me. It is obvious, he's been kidnapped, his dust confiscated! Stand up and confess, make it easy on yourself, don't make me have to track your ass down! I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I've got to have some sleep.
My kingdom for a restful nights sleep...............
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
Monday, May 12, 2008
I know it has been awhile since our last talk but I was wondering if you had some spare time on your hands and maybe a miracle laying around that wasn't being used, now would be a good time to send it my way. I really need one. I don't want to be all selfish here, but time is running out in case you haven't noticed. I'm holding on to the faith that all things are possible for those that believe but the clock, on the wall, is ticking away and I'm not getting any younger here. Before it is too late, before I have more winkles than the bedsheets, send the damn miracle, please............. AMEN.
Thursday, May 01, 2008
This is a earlier post written way back in 2005, in the very infancy of my blog:
Cold Mountain Love...................
When I look into your eyes, not only do I see your soul but mine, as well. The breath you breathe in not only yours but mine,as well. The gentle touch of your hand across my skin warms me like a warm fire on a cold winter's night. My first waking thought, in the morning, is the same as my last thought before sleep captured me and held me prisoner in the darkness, that thought is you. My dreams of you are the only light keeping me safe from the insanity of the night. I am only complete when you're in my embrace, my arms around you, holding you, feeling the beat of your heart. Amazing all consuming love.
When I re-read the words, I ask myself? Have I really ever felt, really ever known this kind of love? Looking inside, deep inside, I know I have loved, I still love, and I know what it is like to be someones all consuming love, but when I ask myself . . .it scares me. A chill runs through me . . . I am cold . . . I can not feel the warmth of such a love and it scares me. I am afraid, I may never know this feeling and it scares me... I tremble.