Friday, December 29, 2006
The end is in sight! Good-bye 2006 . . .
I looked into the mirror this morning and there it was, right there for the whole world to see. I blinked once, blinked twice, it was still there, only more visible now since I had the eyes cleared of sleep. Where did that come from? The nerve of it, lying there, right next to the right eye, did it think I would not see it? I touched it ever so slightly, rubbed it, pulled it, tried to smooth it out, but it was determined, it had found a new home and it was here to stay. There was no use in denying it, it was there alright. Another wrinkle!
But, what can I expect? Another year has come and gone. So what if there is another wrinkle. Another wrinkle? Damn, where did I put that anti-wrinkle cream?
Thursday, December 21, 2006
To get names off the naughty list and onto the nice list was next to impossible. It was hard, I'm telling you it wasn't easy, I really had to pull some strings. I'm not going to tell you how I did it, other than it involved some God Damned Singing Elves, but I managed to get a special Do Not Forget List in Santa's hands.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
When you came into my life, you completed me. Never questioning why, never trying to fix me, you accepted me as I was, flaws and all. When I needed someone to listen, you gave me your ear, when I needed to cry, I leaned on your shoulder, when I lost my way, you found it for me, you were my beacon of light in the darkness. When I needed shelter against the world, you cradled me in your arms, protecting me, you kept me safe. You were my anchor in the storm, my rock, you were the one that kept me grounded against the harsh winds of life. I knew this of you, you knew this of me. God! Why didn't I listen? Why didn't I listen to that tiny little voice inside, telling me to pick up that phone and call you that morning? Why didn't I listen? If I had, would it have made a difference? Why didn't you let me be your anchor, your rock, why didn't you let me cradle you in my arms until the demons within you vanished back into the darkness that morning. God, why? Why?
Searching for the christmas spirit among memories of sadness and pain. Another year without you in it. Sometimes I catch myself looking at your picture wondering why you haven't called lately, then I remember. You are gone, you will never call again, all that remains are memories.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Count to ten, one....two.... three....remember, slow deep breaths, four...five....breathe slow, six.... seven.... breathe in breathe out, eight.... nine.... ten!
Does this really help or is the brain depraved of oxygen to the point of not giving a shit anymore? One.... two... oh, fuck, I already done that! See, I knew it, it's the lack of oxygen! Out with the bad, in with the good ... all bad things must come to an end. Or is it? All good things can't last forever. Who knows? Who the hell cares?
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
In the beginning it can fool you, it leads you to believe this year is going to be different. No way will this year be like all the years before. . . this one will be different. Well, it isn't! The traffic, the crowds, the rushing here, the rushing there, will they like this, keep this, or return this. And to think it is only going to get worse. Wake me when it is all over. . .
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
There is a question, but you don't ask it. I see it in your eyes before they look away. You wonder, if I ask the question, will I be able to bear the answer? I know it is the fear of hearing the answer that prevents you from asking. There is pain, I can feel it, I know it is there, there is no use in denying it, I've known you to long. Although you try, you can't hide it. It has always been there, it has always been the one thing that has kept us from being complete, you know it, as well as I, there is no use in denying it. The painted smile you wear in the light of day does not cover up the tears you allow out in the shadows of the night. How do I know, you ask? Remember, I know you, I know you better than you know yourself. You can hide things from all the others, but there is nothing you can hide from me, I know you to well. . . I am you.
Saturday, December 02, 2006
Friday, December 01, 2006
Let's us do our part: Light a candle by clicking on the candle below.
Tuesday, November 28, 2006
If given the opportunity, to relive one day over again, to be able to change the events of that day only, would you? If you have lived life to any degree the answer in all honesty, would be "yes " and you're probably thinking mine would be the wedding day, the day I walked down the aisle, the day I said, "I do." And in truth, if I had been given this chance years ago I probably would have taken it, but I have lived life, too much water has flowed under the bridge, the man I have become would not allow me to selfishly pick that day. If ever given that chance, the chance to change the events of another day, I would have to reserve it for one much more important. I made my decision, I have lived it for better or for worse.
If you've been walking this journey with me, you're probably wondering what ever became of the married man. He is still around, and his story is way too long to go into here. I wasn't his first, and by no means, I wasn't his last but that is where his story continues. However, he was my last, the last man this teenager fucked, before becoming a married man, himself. We could have continued, he wanted it to continue, secretly I wanted it to continue, but I had spoken some words, words this now married man had to live by, or at least try to. Years came and went and I lived by those words spoken that day, but under all the debri, the secret I buried on that day, still had breath, chained and shackled, it still lived, even though I denied its existence. One day, probably ten years later, somewhere is my late twenties, during a struggle time in the marriage, I found myself, working, living out of town, separated, alone, on the verge of leaving my family when it happened. He was from out of town, worked for the same firm, staying in the same motel, married, had a family. After drinks, some talk, one thing led to another, those buried feelings came back, if only for a few hours that night. Knowing nothing would come of it, knowing nothing could come of it, I guess I let it happen, it was what it was, two men fulfilling the needs of the other. I held this man in my arms, not without feeling guilt. I felt guilt for allowing it to happen but more so for wanting it, so desperately wanting it to happen. To feel his lips against mine, his hands against my body, mine against his, from wanting to look into his eyes as he gave of himself, I would endure the guilt. I don't condone what I did especially since a few weeks later, all the problems within the marriage had been resolved. I was back home, a married man, dealing with what I had done. It wasn't easy returning, once again, there were those "Damned Expectations."
The water continued to flow under that bridge, I continued to meet the expectations, both of others and of myself. I know now, many of those expectations were of my own making, worrying more about the perceptions of others, how they perceived this boy, this man I had become. Don't get me wrong, I am no martyr, I'm no "Joan of Arc" I am not without sin or discretion. There has been many discretion's of the mind and of the heart, but in the physical sense of the word, only two, the one I spoke of earlier with the co-worker and one six years ago. It is far too long of a story, too complicated of a story for me to share here in the "Final Installment." the post has become too long as it is. It was a discretion, again perhaps it is something I should not be proud of, but I will not be ashamed of it, my heart will not allow it.
Damned to Hell those expectations.
I don't know where my journey will end, I don't know what lies ahead, I can only take it one step at a time. . .
Thank you for taking this journey with me,
Hugs and Kisses,
Monday, November 27, 2006
A few weeks later I was walking down another aisle. Don't ask me how it happened, it just happened. The day I proposed, started out like any other day, and to this day, I don't know what caused me to utter those words on that particular day. Honestly, those thoughts were no where in my mind at the start of that day, no engagement ring, nothing, but somehow before the end, before the day was over, before my mind cleared of the fog, words had escaped my lips, words had been spoken, tears of happiness, tears of joy streamed down the face of a high school sweetheart, words of acceptance had been spoken. The words I uttered were as binding as a handshake, given in good faith, and a man never breaks his word. Both of us, too young, neither of us, knowing what life was about, doing what was expected. We were married.
Saturday, November 25, 2006
I stopped here, no more words came, my fingers fell from the keyboard. My mind blank, my mind full of thoughts. Looking back, perhaps this is where "my" path forked. As a young man, I didn't realize that the sands of my hourglass had only started. I didn't realize I had all the time in the world, no one was rushing me into anything. Why was I rushing myself?
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Wednesday, November 22, 2006
Thursday, November 16, 2006
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
Nothing I had ever done before compared to what happened that night. Sure, the boy that lived down the road and I had played around but we were about the same age, both teenagers, both inexperienced. This man was not inexperienced, I learned what sex with two men was like that night. For the first time ever, I knew what it felt like to actually lie in another man's arms and have a man take me to places I had only imagined. Without being to graphic, I learned that night what it meant to give of my body to another. I thought, I knew everything but I soon learned, I knew nothing. That night he was the teacher, I was the pupil, and I was being home schooled.
He also gave of himself, it was his giving that I really liked. The first time he gave of himself, I learned how to be gentle, I learned of foreplay, the second time I discovered by looking into his face, as I, well, I learned there was no more need in foreplay. I knew looking into his face, his eyes, he was giving himself to me, but at the same time he was taking, the last remaining bit of innocence I had left. I started the night as a boy, I ended the night as a man.
Like I told you before, after this night I struggled for days with what happened, struggled with the guilt of letting it happen, struggled with the guilt of wanting it to happen again. I may have become a man that night but I was still one of those teenagers with on one to talk to, not even the man whose kiss still lingered on my lips. There was a war raging inside with how other's felt and with what I was feeling, it was a battle of good vs. evil, and I was discovering perhaps I was more of a devil than an angel. After all, I was a teenager, and I really liked looking into his face, as I, well . . .
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Thursday, November 09, 2006
At home I was the model teenager, at school I was the model teenager, but I was a teenager with a secret, one that I kept to myself. I wish I could say there were many more boys after him, but I can't. Things happened along the way of growing up but never again with another man until my sixteenth year. Being sixteen, being older, came with more freedom, no curfew on the weekends applied other than for Sunday mornings.
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Sometimes you have to look back in order to look forward. Sometimes you must remember how it all began, before you have any idea of how it should end. If you are a reader of mine, you know I share more of myself in what lies hidden between the lines rather than openly displaying it for the world to see. So if you dare to take this journey with me, let it begin.
It was the summer of my thirteenth year, actually, a few months shy of my fourteenth birthday when it happened. I knew long before then but it wasn't confirmed until that summer. Maybe some explaining is in order. What follows is from an earlier post of mine: I guess it comes from some of the earlier images and the realization I discovered from growing up in the tobacco fields of the South. In the early mornings, the leaves of the tobacco would be wet and sticky and all the boys would remain shirted, keeping on their shirts of long sleeves to keep the dirt and grim off, but later in the day, when the hot Southern sun came out, often times the shirts would come off. I guess, it was during this time I realized things were a little different. For some reason, I could not help myself from looking, there was something about seeing hot, muscled, half naked. country boys with sweat glistening off their bodies and it was "this" something that was causing "this" tingle I felt inside. Especially, the one boy that lived down the road, he was tall, lean, and had a light dusting of hair on his chest, but leading down from his navel it was thick and full, downward it grew, hidden from my view by his tight worn jeans.
Let's face it, let's be totally honest. Have you ever heard? If I knew then, what I know now, things would be different. Hell, I can't even say that. Maybe not so much in the beginning but before that summer was over, believe me, I knew. I lost my virginity, I had sex with the sixteen year old boy that lived down the road from me, and yes, I loved it. I loved having his warm wet mouth sliding down my shaft as much as I loved my warm wet mouth filled with his hardness. I still remember his hands. I loved his hands. Perhaps that is why, still to the day, I love a man's hands. Wait a minute, I'm getting carried away remembering when I should be asking myself this question. So if I knew it then, how is it I'm where I'm at today? Sitting in front of the computer screen, fingers resting on the keys, I'm thinking and for the life of me, I do not have an answer. I only know he was the first, he was my first love, to the extend of what an almost fourteen year old could possibly know about love. I do know it was a different place, a different time, certain things were not discussed, even at an early age it was something that remained secret, hidden away like a child not quite right in the head. Not talking about them (things) didn't make them go away, it just made one ashamed to have them. Perhaps I was the child not quite right, the child that should have been hidden away in the attic. To be continued. . .
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
Sunday, October 29, 2006
Thursday, October 26, 2006
But, then it could have very well been the cashier at the local grocery store, I did stop in there later that day for a few items, and the probability that it was her ranks right on up there. Which one, when both is so deserving? One of them deserves to be thanked for this wonderful gift, it has not left my side since the moment it was given. I've taken it everywhere, it has been my constant companion for the last two days. I've tried to ignore it hoping it would get the message and go away. I've tried running away from it but it can run just as fast as I can which by the way isn't very fast at all. I throw my hands up, I give up, I accept it, even though I was unworthy of such a wonderful gift, I accept it. I accept the congestion, the stuffy nose, I accept the fever, the chills, the aching body, I accept it all, it is now my Cross to carry. But next time KEEP YOUR SICK ASS to the house, I do not need anymore gifts like this one.
Friday, October 20, 2006
That's right folks, hold on to your seats. The Fat Lady is warming up. I've been on this roller coaster of highs and lows with more lows than highs long enough. I don't know what lies ahead only that along with the changing of the seasons there's going to be some changes coming in Stephen's life. Being totally honest, I don't know to what extend these changes will be, good or bad, agree or disagree, but there are some detours ahead. Stay tuned, "The Fat Lady" is taking the stage.
Sunday, October 15, 2006
The night before even though it was darker than a witch's cauldron when I closed out the world for the day everything seemed clear. My mind made up. But this morning when I look in the mirror, there is a stranger staring back at me, I look at the man and I no longer know him. The revolving door of Stephen's life. Do I get off on this side, do I get off on the other side, do I continue riding around and around in circles? Fuck who knows anymore.
Friday, October 06, 2006
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Monday, September 25, 2006
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Well, it is suppose to be a day off, but with all the work I brought home to do, I wonder if you can call it that. However, there is always a silver lining to all bad things, and my silver lining is that I'm able to put all this work aside to first do the important things in life, visit my blogging family. Although we haven't had the chance of meeting in real life (yet), you are my family, and in a way closer than the family I have in real life. I have been able to share with you the inner feelings, hopes and dreams that have been buried a lifetime, hidden inside the darkness of this closet, I call a mind. Looking Out From a Southern Closet is coming up on its first year anniversary and I never dreamt my path in this blogging journey would have crossed so many wonderful people. There are those, like myself still struggling with the chains of self-discovery and there are those that have broken free and living true to their self. We are diverse, we are the same, we are scattered to the fours corners of the earth, yet we are all connected. It is this connection that is the most valuable treasure I own.
Sunday, September 10, 2006
Saturday, September 09, 2006
By the power invested in me, me being Stephen, I declare this today of our Lord and Saviour as a Lazy Day Holiday. On this day, I will do as I please, I will do as much or as little as my heart and soul desires.
On this day, I will rise as early as I like or sleep the morning away, it is my day, to do as I wish. (It is embarrassing to say how late I did sleep)
I will not be available for the ringing phone, the world will be on its own. (Let it ring, I refuse to answer the damn thing. How many times are you going to call? Don't you get it, I'm not answering the phone, stop calling.)
I will not answer the door, even though the knocking of the door is incessant on my coming to it. ( Yes, I know you are knocking on my door. No, I'm not letting you in, I don't have any clothes on, besides I don't even know you and whatever you are selling, I don't want or need any. Now, go away!)
I will channel surf as much as I want. (click, click, click. . .well at least until the game comes on. The remote says, "Thank-God, its game time)
The game is over, the best of the day is over, and yes, maybe it was a do nothing day, but yeah, after all it was a Holiday.
How did you spent your day?
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Have you ever had one of those days where you know you should have stayed in bed? No getting up, just turning over and staying in bed with the covers pulled up over your head kind of days. That was what I should have done this morning. I only had to go into work for a few hours today but nothing I touched worked out, turned out, got accomplished. I turned right when I should have turned left, I dropped what I should have held onto, two left hands, blind in one eye and blurred vision with the other, the list is endless. In other words, if you don't know it, haven't realized it, failed to understand the words flowing from this confused mind, I have had a pissed-up day.