Saturday, September 30, 2006

Alternate Endings

Pull into the driveway. Stop! How many times have I told him, "Do not leave your bike in the driveway"? Get out, move little Tommy's bike for the hundredth time, get back in and finish parking. Tail waving in the air, tongue wagging from side to side Spot comes running. Good boy, gentle pat on dog's head. Opening door I yell, "Honey, I'm home. The Stepford Wife remake of June Cleaver comes from the kitchen, "Dinner will be ready in a second, Dear." Here is your martini and slippers, the evening paper is beside your chair, the kids are upstairs finishing their school work. I know, you're thinking, "What the Fuck" I know, I know, I know, my life is almost this perfect, so why, why, why, am I so not happy with it anymore. Why can't my life have an "Alternate Ending" like so many of the movies nowadays: Pull into the driveway. Stop! How many times have I told him, "Do not leave your bike in the driveway."? Get out, move little Tommy's bike for the hundredth time, get back in and finish parking. Tail waving in the air, tongue wagging from side to side Spot comes running. Good boy, gentle pat on dog's head. Opening door I yell, "Honey, I home. Coming from the kitchen, dressed only in an apron, I hear the words, "Dinner can wait, first things first." Taking me by the hand, leading me down the hall toward the bedroom is my "Ward Cleaver"

Monday, September 25, 2006

It's My Birthday!

It's My Birthday
Well, sort of anyway. One year ago, today I sat down in front of the computer screen and gave birth. Like a newborn baby it came into the world kicking and screaming. Struggling to stay inside, warm, safe and secure, it fought against the labor pains. Bring me my damn epidural now, I shouted. Wait! What was I thinking, was I crazy! Hell, if I had one of those, I wouldn't be able to feel my Dick! The computer screen stared back at me, like a doctor's face peering up from between outstretched legs, it waited. Push. . . Push. . . harder, damnit, I said Push, words echoed in my head, from having heard them from somewhere in the past. I wait, I stare at the screen, another contraction comes, I PUSH, it starts to crown, I Push harder, out pops some words, a sentence, a thought, it is out, I have given birth. Sucking in its first breath of air, my blog is born. I sit there staring at the words on the screen wondering what in the Hell was I going to do with it now? I hit publish . . .and the rest is history. This first year has been amazing, and it is because of my having met some wonderful friends along the way. You all know who you are, it goes without saying, you take the time to leave comments, you take the time to drop emails, you were there in the beginning, you have taken each step with me throughout this first year and I have no doubts you will be here for me at the end of this journey. From my heart to yours, I thank-you, I send you my love, Hugs and Kisses, Stephen

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

If It Makes You Smile, Mission Accomplished

If by chance, you have an extra one of these lying around somewhere, I really would like to borrow it.
I promise to take really good care of it.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

A Day Off

Well, it is suppose to be a day off, but with all the work I brought home to do, I wonder if you can call it that. However, there is always a silver lining to all bad things, and my silver lining is that I'm able to put all this work aside to first do the important things in life, visit my blogging family. Although we haven't had the chance of meeting in real life (yet), you are my family, and in a way closer than the family I have in real life. I have been able to share with you the inner feelings, hopes and dreams that have been buried a lifetime, hidden inside the darkness of this closet, I call a mind. Looking Out From a Southern Closet is coming up on its first year anniversary and I never dreamt my path in this blogging journey would have crossed so many wonderful people. There are those, like myself still struggling with the chains of self-discovery and there are those that have broken free and living true to their self. We are diverse, we are the same, we are scattered to the fours corners of the earth, yet we are all connected. It is this connection that is the most valuable treasure I own.

Sunday, September 10, 2006

Oh, My God!

Oh, My God, what have I done? Couldn't leave things alone, could I? Now look where its gotten me. Lost this. . . lost that . . . I feel a headache coming on.
Oh well. I can't worry about it today, there is always tomorrow. . .
Well, it is now tomorrow and after changing the blog over to the new Blogger beta version I'm in the process of trying to get things back in working order. No shit, when they say you might lose some of the changes already made but did they tell me I would lose all my links. Somehow I missed reading that in the fine print. If I have missed adding you back please forgive me, it is going to take time getting everything back in order.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

Lazy Day Holiday

By the power invested in me, me being Stephen, I declare this today of our Lord and Saviour as a Lazy Day Holiday. On this day, I will do as I please, I will do as much or as little as my heart and soul desires.

On this day, I will rise as early as I like or sleep the morning away, it is my day, to do as I wish. (It is embarrassing to say how late I did sleep)

I will not be available for the ringing phone, the world will be on its own. (Let it ring, I refuse to answer the damn thing. How many times are you going to call? Don't you get it, I'm not answering the phone, stop calling.)

I will not answer the door, even though the knocking of the door is incessant on my coming to it. ( Yes, I know you are knocking on my door. No, I'm not letting you in, I don't have any clothes on, besides I don't even know you and whatever you are selling, I don't want or need any. Now, go away!)

I will channel surf as much as I want. (click, click, click. . .well at least until the game comes on. The remote says, "Thank-God, its game time)

The game is over, the best of the day is over, and yes, maybe it was a do nothing day, but yeah, after all it was a Holiday.

How did you spent your day?

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

What A Day

Have you ever had one of those days where you know you should have stayed in bed? No getting up, just turning over and staying in bed with the covers pulled up over your head kind of days. That was what I should have done this morning. I only had to go into work for a few hours today but nothing I touched worked out, turned out, got accomplished. I turned right when I should have turned left, I dropped what I should have held onto, two left hands, blind in one eye and blurred vision with the other, the list is endless. In other words, if you don't know it, haven't realized it, failed to understand the words flowing from this confused mind, I have had a pissed-up day.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006


Tell me what'cha don't like about yourself. . .

Friday, September 01, 2006

The Screams

I have screamed until there is no longer anything left. No one hearing but me, the screeching, echoing sounds of the screams ringing in my ears, the relentless pounding has stopped. I welcome the silence.

Sometimes, if you are really, really lucky a love comes along that will change everything you have ever known before. I've heard it said, it only happens once in a lifetime, perhaps it is true, I do not know. I thought I knew what love was but not until he came along did I really, really know love. How it all happened, I guess I'll never know, I only know that it did. I knew him, he knew me, we were friends and knowing one another perhaps better than anyone else had something to do with it. We had been friends through goods times, we had been friends through bad times, maybe this had something to do with it, who knows, who cares, I only know it happened. Somehow, I gave all of me, not part, but all of me to him. I had never done this before, I have never done this since. Never had I ever shared or given away so much. Ok, I know what you're thinking, no I'm not talking about sexually giving myself to him, I'm talking about something deeper. I gave my heart to him. Without words he knew me, without words I knew him. At least, I thought I knew him. I knew his likes, his dislikes, I knew his laughter even when he wasn't in the room, I could even feel his presence when he was no where to be seen. You could look into his eyes and see his soul, his was a loving, caring soul, aged from having lived life, not from having lived years. This is how I knew him. I knew his happiness could feel a room, infecting all, I knew the pain of his sorrow, I had seen him bleed. I knew him, he knew me or so I thought.

But five years ago, the man I thought I knew, the man I thought held no secrets, had kept one from me. A secret so dark, so hidden, I wonder if he even knew he harbored such inside himself, until it was too late. Allowing myself to think about it, causes the screams to come alive again, they rip at my insides, tearing my flesh, my soul, my heart breaks into a million pieces.

What was he thinking, when he pulled the trigger?

How could I not have seen this coming? How could I not have known this was coming? I knew him! Why did he not tell me his burden was too much for him, he knew my shoulder was his. Why?