Monday, August 28, 2006
Is it this way? Or perhaps down this corridor, take a left, two doors down, then a right? Where is that damn EXIT sign? For the life of me, I can't seem to find my way out. To the outward world I know where I'm at, I know what I'm suppose to be doing. I'm surrounded by a world of people, their voices echoing in my ear, there is happiness, there is laughter but I am not a part of it. I am LOST.
For days, actually weeks now, I've found myself stumbling into darkness, running on auto-pilot. Remembering a memory of love discovered, felt, shared, remembering a memory of love lost is too painful, no more posting, no more sharing, at least for now. Years have come and gone, five in total but I guess the wound has not healed, today it is still bleeding. Where is the doctor when you need one. . .
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
A secret room, a locked room within my heart, guarded never before entered and somehow he had discovered it. My heart had betrayed me, revealing to him its secret. No one before him had ever ventured this far inside, I had never allowed it. Before I knew it, he had placed the key within the lock, the tumblers fell into place, the door unlocked, opened and inside he stepped. I don't know the moment it happened, only that it happened. I've tried many times to remember just when it happened but I honestly can't for the life of me, I only know that it happened. A feeling never known before, a feeling never felt before washed over me. I had fooled myself into believing I had felt it, known it, and had, rather was living it, but this was different, nothing compared, nothing before had prepared me for this. I had fell in love with my best friend.
Friday, August 18, 2006
There I was telling myself that it happened. I thought it happened. I believed it happened. I even felt it happened, so I guess it did happen, at least to some degree. I already knew it had the capacity to give and share on different levels and here at this very moment, it was showing to me yet another one, a level never felt before, so I told myself, it happened.
I told myself this was the one.
But I was, a young man, almost sure of himself, giving his heart away, placing upon it no restrictions, I gave it freely. It gave its love, it shared its love, somehow there was more than enough for all that entered, each had their own place, safely and securely held within its beating walls. Years came and went, people came and went, but my love for them remained constant, always there. I held fast to the course laid now before me, never knowing my heart, the very heart that beat within the walls of my chest held a secret. This heart on mine that forced the very life sustaining blood through my veins held a secret.
Within it beating walls, behind a locked door, lay a room, never before opened, no one ever allowed to enter. Until, he came into my life. How did he know about this room, when I didn't? Where did he find the key, when I didn't know of its hiding place? What would happen if he ever opened the door?
(Stay tuned for the rest of the story)
Sunday, August 13, 2006
The week of rushing from here to there, days of working from daylight to dark had come and gone. My busy week, maybe not forgotten was at least in the past. And now it was the night before Sunday and all through the house not a creature was stirring, I was "Home Alone."
Snuggled down in my lazy boy recliner, a bud light, some peanuts, and remote in hand, I was in a man's paradise. No idle chit chat, no home fires to deal with, peace and quiet straight ahead.
A few minutes here, a few minutes there, watching this, watching that, channel surfing the way only a man can do. But before I knew it, the room was filled with music, on the screen was a feast for the eyes, sweat glistening on a hairy chest, hips swaying to the music, I was hooked.
There was Tim, the channel surfing was over, the remote laid down, eyes glued to the big screen. It was just Tim and me. I was in a man's paradise.
Monday, August 07, 2006
There was a fork in the road, along the path I walked and I chose the more traveled of the two. A path laid down by father to son many times before. Did I chose this path out of duty or did I chose this path out of fear? Perhaps, the answer will never be known or perhaps having been buried somewhere deep inside many years ago the answer has no importance anymore. But, if I knew then, what I know now, how different things would be, some things would be better and some things, well I can not allow myself to ever imagine not having in my life, but it is all water under the bridge. It is the path I now travel, some dreams not realized but lessons have been learned along the way. Do not make the same mistakes of the father, do not chose the more traveled path because it is what's expected, if the words your brain hears are not the words in your heart, do not listen, chose your own path, make it your own, not someone else's. Don't listen to those that tell you it is wrong, a sin, a damnation. The truth, your truth lies within you, listen to your heart, if it feels right to you, then it is right.
Saturday, August 05, 2006
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Rush here, rush there, not enough time in the day to get everything accomplished. Rushing thoughts, swirling thoughts, all crowded inside, do this, do that, be here, be there, being pushed, being pulled in all directions. Asking myself, is this what I signed up for? If so, what was I thinking!
One more day I remind myself. Be strong, hold fast, I say. Tomorrow will come, there I will find the time to let go, let loose, clear the mind. Forbid the thoughts of a hectic life to invade the peace of having a day of solitude, of having a day with no cares, of having a day with no worries. Tomorrow!