Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Looking Back: Part Seven


He was waiting, already knowing I would be looking for him, even before I knew it myself. I realize looking back, I was a victim, a willing victim perhaps, but none the less a victim of this married man. I probably wasn't his first, I know I wasn't his last but that is another story, for another day. From the night he knocked on my door, from the time I tasted his forbidden fruit, he knew I was his, he knew my teenage hunger would overcome the teachings of my father. Looking back at it from where I'm at now, looking back at it from who I am now, I know it should have never happened. But it happened, this teenage boy and this married man became secret lovers. He fulfilled a need in me that had only begun to awaken, I fulfilled in him a need he could not find at home. In the year, before my leaving, my whole life became a secret. I lived two lives, on the surface I was the typical teenage boy, below the surface, what did I care if my date put out or not, I'd drop her at home and afterwards pitch a perfect inning with my secret lover. What had I become? Who was using who? Still sitting on the pew Sunday after Sunday, with my now "secret lover" sitting across the aisle, I had long learned how to shut out the words of that fire and brimstone man in the pulpit, I refused to allow the words to enter my ears much less my mind. I had become a vessel of sin, I didn't even know if I remembered how to pray. Somewhere along the way, I had lost me.

4 comments:

The Persian said...

first of all thank you for that comment on today's post buddy, it really touched me (so much I had to come here and let you know)

secondly..

While a part of me is angry at that married man for what he allowed (and to a certain extent started) to happen, the other realizes that it was a fufilling experience for both of you and that in the end, it was a positive experience.

(i'd still like to wring his neck, but that will pass lol)

*hugs*
Hoping you have a wonderful holiday :)

Jamie said...

New Blog up and ready!!

http://cajunwolf8579.blogspot.com/

The Gay Guru said...

SORTING THRU THE "GOBBLY" GOOK TO WISH YOU A HAPPY THANKSGIVING. THANX FOR BEING MY FRIEND, LOT'S OF BLOGGER LOVE FROM THE GG

Rob said...

Your posts are always so mesmerizing, sweet Stephen, and you leave your readers always wanting more -- the next page of the story. Thank you for sharing these most intimate details with us. I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving. May every joy of this holiday season be yours, my dear friend.