Monday, November 27, 2006

Looking Back: Part Nine

Everyone was happy but me and I didn't know why. Truthfully I probably knew, but it had been pushed so far down, down inside, buried under all the other debris, that it didn't have a chance in hell of finding its way to the surface before it was too late. No one was rushing me, but at the same time, I felt like I was being rushed, so therefore I rushed myself. I know now, I was only doing what everyone expected of me, it was expected, it may have not been voiced out loud, it was not anything audible for the human ear to hear, but it was something understood, it was expected, it was a different time. Everything was in fast motion, whirling by at lightening speed and I was just hanging on. One day I was walking across the football field of the stadium, listening to the cheers of family as I graduated.
A few weeks later I was walking down another aisle. Don't ask me how it happened, it just happened. The day I proposed, started out like any other day, and to this day, I don't know what caused me to utter those words on that particular day. Honestly, those thoughts were no where in my mind at the start of that day, no engagement ring, nothing, but somehow before the end, before the day was over, before my mind cleared of the fog, words had escaped my lips, words had been spoken, tears of happiness, tears of joy streamed down the face of a high school sweetheart, words of acceptance had been spoken. The words I uttered were as binding as a handshake, given in good faith, and a man never breaks his word. Both of us, too young, neither of us, knowing what life was about, doing what was expected. We were married.


Paul said...

Stephen -

"A few weeks later I was walking down another aisle."

At 18? Wow! It makes me wonder if you were chasing someone you loved? Or running from someone you feared?

I too know of the "I've done what was expected of me" syndrome. It pretty much forms the basis of all my life decisions.

Paul said...

PS. Thanks for sharing.

The Persian said...

wow, and I thought my marriage at 21 was too young!

I had no idea you married at 18/19.

Stephen said...

paul, you're right, looking back, it probably was a little of both. Chasing the idea of love and running from a fear that had been a constant companion my entire life, fear of others finding out and honestly in the fear of my own self discovery of the truth.

the persian, getting married at 18 is way too young, I did it but I certainly would not recommend it. At that age you don't even know about life yet, it needs to be lived, experienced but you probably know what I'm talking about.