Thursday, November 02, 2006


Last chance, turn back before you get sucked into this post. If you continue, don't say you were not forewarned, don't say you were not given ample opportunity to leave. Proceed at your own risk!

Part One

Sometimes you have to look back in order to look forward. Sometimes you must remember how it all began, before you have any idea of how it should end. If you are a reader of mine, you know I share more of myself in what lies hidden between the lines rather than openly displaying it for the world to see. So if you dare to take this journey with me, let it begin.

It was the summer of my thirteenth year, actually, a few months shy of my fourteenth birthday when it happened. I knew long before then but it wasn't confirmed until that summer. Maybe some explaining is in order. What follows is from an earlier post of mine: I guess it comes from some of the earlier images and the realization I discovered from growing up in the tobacco fields of the South. In the early mornings, the leaves of the tobacco would be wet and sticky and all the boys would remain shirted, keeping on their shirts of long sleeves to keep the dirt and grim off, but later in the day, when the hot Southern sun came out, often times the shirts would come off. I guess, it was during this time I realized things were a little different. For some reason, I could not help myself from looking, there was something about seeing hot, muscled, half naked. country boys with sweat glistening off their bodies and it was "this" something that was causing "this" tingle I felt inside. Especially, the one boy that lived down the road, he was tall, lean, and had a light dusting of hair on his chest, but leading down from his navel it was thick and full, downward it grew, hidden from my view by his tight worn jeans.

Let's face it, let's be totally honest. Have you ever heard? If I knew then, what I know now, things would be different. Hell, I can't even say that. Maybe not so much in the beginning but before that summer was over, believe me, I knew. I lost my virginity, I had sex with the sixteen year old boy that lived down the road from me, and yes, I loved it. I loved having his warm wet mouth sliding down my shaft as much as I loved my warm wet mouth filled with his hardness. I still remember his hands. I loved his hands. Perhaps that is why, still to the day, I love a man's hands. Wait a minute, I'm getting carried away remembering when I should be asking myself this question. So if I knew it then, how is it I'm where I'm at today? Sitting in front of the computer screen, fingers resting on the keys, I'm thinking and for the life of me, I do not have an answer. I only know he was the first, he was my first love, to the extend of what an almost fourteen year old could possibly know about love. I do know it was a different place, a different time, certain things were not discussed, even at an early age it was something that remained secret, hidden away like a child not quite right in the head. Not talking about them (things) didn't make them go away, it just made one ashamed to have them. Perhaps I was the child not quite right, the child that should have been hidden away in the attic. To be continued. . .


daveincleveland said...

dear stephen, we can all ask ourselves the same question, if i knew then what i know now, but the past is the past, what we need to do is continue on from here, start fresh, start true,and realize that while we may leave some people in the dust, the people we encounter in the future will know the real us, the true us, and that will be awesome to finally live in the light and not hide in that fucking closet anymore.........:)

Mind the Bear said...

When we have no context, no examples, no role models; when we are given messages (overtly or covertly) that something is unacceptable; when we have no idea there is a choice, how can we choose?

We pursue life as we think it is supposed to be, doing the things we think we are supposed to do.

And for all that, for all the choices I have made, for all the pain I am causing now, I would not trade my children for anything.

Looking back, we all have regrets. But we must look forward and see that there is, and shall be, Grace.

Blessings and prayers of strength on your journey. I'm in the midst of coming out, now. The Truth is the only thing that will set us free.

Spider said...

You have my "E" ticket and I am on for the ride... and I admire you for allowing us to all ride along...

The Persian said...

wow, why didn't I ever have these experiences in my youth. My first with a man was at age 27.

I envy all of you who experienced this.


keith said...

Cool posting. I'm writing a novel right now and am constantly trying to recall stuff, and it shocked me to find out I couldn't remember what my first kiss was like, or the first time a guy touched me. You'd think it would be so important it would be seared in your memory, wouldn't you?


Tony said...

Guess we all have our fond memories of our first sexual encounter, our first love...regardless of what time it occurred in our life. Thanks for sharing.

deanos said...

Thank you for this post. It brought back fond memories I have of my first sexual encounter with Chris, my closest friend growing up. And like you said in your post, it was never discussed. It happened multiple times, but it was just an understood, when we were together alone, we knew what was going to happen. How I still miss him.