Thursday, April 13, 2017

Thursday Throwback

This week's Thursday Throwback is two parts of a story shared:

First posted: August 18,2006  --  Entitled: Beating Of My Heart (Post #1)

There I was telling myself that it happened. I thought it happened. I believed it happened. I even felt it happened, so I guess it did happen, at least to some degree. I already knew it had the capacity to give and share on different levels and here at this very moment, it was showing to me yet another one, a level never felt before.

I told myself this was the one.

But I was, a young man, almost sure of himself, giving his heart away, placing upon it no restrictions, I gave it freely. It gave its love, it shared its love, somehow there was more than enough for all that entered, each had their own place, safely and securely held within its beating walls. Years came and went, people came and went, but my love for them remained constant, always there. I held fast to the course laid down before me, never knowing my heart, the very heart that beat within the walls of my chest held a secret. This heart on mine that forced the very life sustaining blood through my veins held a secret.

Within its beating walls, behind a locked door, lay a room, never before opened, no one ever allowed to enter. Until, he came into my life. How did he know about this room, when I didn't? Where did he find the key, when I didn't know of its hiding place? What would happen if he ever opened the door?

(Stay tuned for the rest of the story)

First posted: August 22, 2006 -- Entitled: Secret Room (Post #2)

A secret room, a locked room within my heart, guarded never before entered and somehow he had discovered it. My heart had betrayed me, revealing to him its secret. No one before him had ever ventured this far inside, I had never allowed it. Before I knew it, he had placed the key within the lock, the tumblers fell into place, the door unlocked, opened and inside he stepped. I don't know the moment it happened, only that it happened. I've tried many times to remember just when it happened but I honestly can't for the life of me, I only know it happened. A feeling never known before, a feeling never felt before washed over me. I had fooled myself into believing I had felt it, known it, and was living it, but this was different, nothing compared, nothing before had prepared me for this.

I had fell in love with my best friend.

Self Commentary:  He made me realize the capacity of my heart, the ability to love without question, without expectation. There were no secrets between us, the "Closet Door" was open and he accepted me for me. His acceptance was without question, there were no expectations.....but, life is cruel. The journey we walk has many twists and turns and we never know what lies beyond the next bend in its road.  A perfect day can easily turn into a nightmare. This is what happened to me. The cruel hand of fate twisted the  dagger into my  soul, waited to see its blood run red and my heart break with tears of anguish before withdrawing the cold steel from my body.  This love shared ended with his death. Why did I not see it coming......why did he not tell me of his pain, his anguish, his despair.....why?


John Gray said...

I fell in love with my best friend when I was 19 and he was 16
He was straight
I didnt know I was gay
Nothing happened

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing that piece of your history. That must have been hard.

Steven said...

A hard part of your personal journey to relive once again. But it is what had made you stronger. I hope the blood scabbed quickly and mended your heart.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

Right now at this moment, my greatest fear is that I will not express to you enough, that I not only understood what you were saying but that I felt that. This is one of those life moments where you will not get over it, you will just learn to live with it. That's really heartbreaking Stephen.

mistress maddie said...

I too, I believe have been in those shoes. I met a guy when I first came out, we dated, then became friends. But I was still in love with him. It got messy before better. Luckily we are now and still very good girlfriends!!! I tend to wear my heart......

Stephen said...

John Gray, same story here but we were older.

Michael: it was and still is, even today years later I still feel like I should have seen it coming...we were just that close.

Sooo-this-is-me (Steven) sweet hugs to you. It took years to come to terms with it. Suicide is extremely difficult for those left behind, there are days when the eyes overflow still, the dam just isn't high enough to stop the overflow.

mistress Maddie (Stephen) it is hard falling for a friend and it being only one way. Happy to hear you are friends now...