Wednesday, January 02, 2008


It is hard, so very hard, to escape the demons. For weeks, I have been plagued, tormented by their presence. For weeks, I have been lost, hidden away from everyone, even at times hidden from myself. For weeks, lost in solitude, lost in silence, wandering aimlessly through the end of another year. Another year of dreams, broken promises, failed hopes made to myself . . . shattered. Like a trapped lightening bug finding freedom with the shattered glass, my dreams, my hopes . . . all gone with the passing of the old year. Is it possible, for new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams? Dare I wish upon the New Year?


Bruce said...

Have you ever thought of dwelling on the positives of life (and I am sure you have some) rather than on the negatives of life.

I think you'd find yourself much more happy and contented, thereby allowing you to move from the darkness and move to the light.

Stephen said...

Bruce, thanks for dropping by, new friends are always welcomed. You are so right, I do have many wonderful positives in my life, all of which I am so very thankful and blessed to have, those positives are called family. It is hard to explain, perhaps hard to understand, but there is one side of me that could not wish or hope for anything more, then there is a side of me that has never been allowed to live. Reality can be such a ugly place, if I allow more light for one side, the other will surely be cloaked in darkness, finding a balance has never been easy, it is something I struggle with day to day.

peter said...

Thanks for mailing

Stephen said...

peter, thank you for the emails, as well, always appreciated.

Anonymous said...

I see your posting as brilliant and positive. Finding hope to generate new dreams from the shards of the past. Daring to dream and hope is a sign of optimism that few ever dare to discover!

I admire your bravery,

daveincleveland said...

hey you......first of all many hugs from cold cold cleveland, dude you know i'm here, let your self go this year, open the door, come your life as our wonderful lord has intended you to live.....don't hide or deny your true being in the light......and surround yourself with the people that you love and that love need to talk you know where to find me.....

Ur-spo said...

dear me!
i was wondering how you were doing.
apparently not too well.
Churchill remarked that when you discover you are in hell, you should keep walking until you are no longer in it anymore.
please dare for a new year, and it is likely to be so.
sometimes the demons are not really vanquished by escape; sometimes it is best to let them howl and be - and laugh at them.
they can not bear to be mocked.

Derek said...

Come on Stephen do it, I will if you will! Huggerz mr, and Happy New Year!

Sooo-this-is-me said...

One year ago the only contact I had with the gay world was an email I would send to another blog writer, and I would only do that every two weeks. I would make sure I closed the email page about ten times in case some one would visit and see it. I lived in blind fear of being found out. Now here I am a year later, most of my close friends that I knew deep down I could trust, know about me, I have a gay blog, I made a lot of gay blog friends, I met a group of lesbians by chance and I just met another gay man. It was hard, I thought I would vomit many times telling people, nearly cried once but I would never go back to the closet, never!

When you are ready, take the step, but only when you are ready.


Anthony said...

Hi Stephen,

Keep daring my friend. Your words inspired me so many times.

I am a million miles from the angst ridden man who first found the online world in Oct 2005. You played a part in that.

With Love

Anonymous said...

Damn, have been kinda too busy to check out your blog, come back, and see you are in a down mood.
Been there, done that.
I'm not sure about always trying to pick only the good things in life, although that might be because I'm a bit of a "realist". Whatever happens, happens. I don't try to put on rosy blinders to the world in front of me.

So what am I saying?
Guess that I understand where you are coming from. But don't let the bad things over-rule the good. Take a break from whats bugging you. Read a book. Watch a silly or goofy movie.

And knowing that there are others that care about you too doesn't hurt either.