Friday, August 24, 2007

Don't Know Why


In the beginning, they said it would take time, things would get better, would get easier, life must go on, they said. Don't cry they would say, you're a man, a man must be strong, be tough, suck it up, they said. God knows, I tried, but this was a battle I knew I was not going to win. No matter how hard I tried, I could not prevent the water inside from welling up. Higher and higher it rose, the dams of my eyelids were not strong enough, not high enough to contain it within. My cheeks felt the wetness of my tears, as they flowed. I cried. I stood in a room full of people and it didn't matter. I cried and damn it, I was a man.

That was how I felt when a very good friend died, a few years back. After the tears dried up, the well, that was my soul was empty. For weeks, for months, a zombie without feeling, without emotion, I went about the daily grind of what was expected, what was needed, running on auto-pilot.

And now, for days, that feeling of overwhelming emptiness has haunted my ever waking moment and I don't know why. Don't cry, you're a man, a man must be tough, be strong, suck it up, I say. God knows, I am trying but it is a battle I'm afraid I have lost again. Angrily I wipe the wetness from my cheek, but this time I don't know why . . .

7 comments:

peter said...

Let it flow, sometimes lonelyness can make that happen... or something not really defined. You're not alone in doing so, I know that feeling too.

daveincleveland said...

crying does not make you less of a man, god knows how many tears i hae shed the last couple years......stephen it will get better, crying seems to help, lonliness, i am told, will get better, i'm here when ever you need to talk buddy

CJ said...

You know I think crying is like sweating, some people/men just don't do it. But it's not for lack of manhood when you do. Let the tears flow. Sometimes I am over whelmed by an emptiness. I can be in a store or in a social moment and it's as if a jack hammer is beating me down and I think I will collapse but something happens. God has shown his mercy or the chemicals in the brain have balanced? Hang in there!

Dominic said...

Don't worry about what your culture or upbringing has taught you about a man crying. Do what feels right for you and be in touch with the feelings that come with it.

Ur-spo said...

Don't cry, you're a man, a man must be tough, be strong, suck it up...
such awful advice was given to you.
i hope you are not being snookered into being such crap.

Greg said...

You really can't be a real human being unless you cry from time to time. You don't express your emotions and sooner or later you won't feel like you actually HAVE any.

tomersh said...

crying is something that must be done...it releases build up emotions...no one can hold back and never cry...it would be inhuman