Friday, September 01, 2006

The Screams

I have screamed until there is no longer anything left. No one hearing but me, the screeching, echoing sounds of the screams ringing in my ears, the relentless pounding has stopped. I welcome the silence.

Sometimes, if you are really, really lucky a love comes along that will change everything you have ever known before. I've heard it said, it only happens once in a lifetime, perhaps it is true, I do not know. I thought I knew what love was but not until he came along did I really, really know love. How it all happened, I guess I'll never know, I only know that it did. I knew him, he knew me, we were friends and knowing one another perhaps better than anyone else had something to do with it. We had been friends through goods times, we had been friends through bad times, maybe this had something to do with it, who knows, who cares, I only know it happened. Somehow, I gave all of me, not part, but all of me to him. I had never done this before, I have never done this since. Never had I ever shared or given away so much. Ok, I know what you're thinking, no I'm not talking about sexually giving myself to him, I'm talking about something deeper. I gave my heart to him. Without words he knew me, without words I knew him. At least, I thought I knew him. I knew his likes, his dislikes, I knew his laughter even when he wasn't in the room, I could even feel his presence when he was no where to be seen. You could look into his eyes and see his soul, his was a loving, caring soul, aged from having lived life, not from having lived years. This is how I knew him. I knew his happiness could feel a room, infecting all, I knew the pain of his sorrow, I had seen him bleed. I knew him, he knew me or so I thought.

But five years ago, the man I thought I knew, the man I thought held no secrets, had kept one from me. A secret so dark, so hidden, I wonder if he even knew he harbored such inside himself, until it was too late. Allowing myself to think about it, causes the screams to come alive again, they rip at my insides, tearing my flesh, my soul, my heart breaks into a million pieces.

What was he thinking, when he pulled the trigger?

How could I not have seen this coming? How could I not have known this was coming? I knew him! Why did he not tell me his burden was too much for him, he knew my shoulder was his. Why?


Morgen said...

Sometimes the shame of depression can keep it locked inside a person.
I'm sorry for your loss.
I know what it feels like to lose a great friend who was like a soulmate.
Take care & do something special for yourself this weekend.

Oh, found your site via your comment on Spider's blog,by the way.

Spider said...

Stephen my dear, I have been there - mine hooked a hose from the exhaust pipe to the car on Christmas Eve... Who knows why they do it... some say it is the most selfish act one can perform - others say it is done out of anger - all I know is it is worse for the loved ones left behind than it is for them...

You know how to get me if you need me...

Rob said...

My sweet Stephen - you so many times share your deepest thoughts with us - but this is one of the most heart-wrenching things I've read in a long time. I am so sorry for this loss in your life. Please know that I - as well as so many of your friends - am here for you. You are never alone. I love you my friend - and I'll always be here for you.

Stephen said...

morgen, thank you for taking the time to leave such a kind and thoughtful comment, thanks for stopping by, visit anytime, I'll leave the light on for you.

spider, I've said it before, but I will say it again, you are one of the most kindest, sweetest friends ever. Thank-you for being there for me. One of these days I'm going to surprize you, your phone is going to ring, and Stephen is going to be on the other end, ;)

rob, you are the sweet one, my friend. Things happen in life sometimes tragic things beyond our control, we are left aimlessly to wonder why never really finding the answer that we seek. The only thing greater than the pain being felt is the warmth of another friend sharing and being there for you, such as you have been. Hugs and kisses, my friend.