There is some topics I never try to talk about on here for one reason or the other; politics and religion being at the top of the list. However, I'm breaking my own rule to give you an explanation of the post: Struggling and my absence for the past few weeks.
Growing up in the Bible Belt and having feelings for the boy down the road can be a very difficult and lonely experience. It was something you never talked about, in reality there was no one to really talk about it with, you just remained in the closet and lived a lie.
Being raised in a traditional Christian home, daily prayers of blessings and forgiveness, church on Sunday, church on Wednesday, and God forbid you ever missed a night of revival. Hell and Damnation would befall you and I guess even after all these years I have not fully escaped the "Hell and Damnation" preached in the Scriptures about being gay. The following is a portion of a post many years ago shared that will give some of you more insight:
For days nothing else entered my mind, there was no room for nothing else, I was replaying everything about that night. My mind was on constant rewind, searching every frame, looking for answers, but finding none. I secluded myself away from everyone, in the family, in fear they would know by just looking into my face what "I" had done. Looking in the mirror I was afraid, I would see on my forehead the letter "A" branded for all the world to see. In my mind it was of little consequence nothing visibly could be seen, inside, I was wearing my "Scarlet Letter," I had sex with a married man. A man that knew my family, he went to my church, sat across the aisle from us Sunday after Sunday with his family. The very hands that caressed my face, the hands that held my teenage cock, the hands that touched every part of my body were the same hands, that shook my Father's hands after Sunday service. I could not escape it, I would be doomed to Hell for what I had done. Up until this night I had led myself to believe my virginity had been lost to the boy that lived down the road, I soon found out I was still a naïve teenager.
Believe me if anyone knows what the Bible says about the road to salvation, acceptance of Jesus Christ as one's personal savior, eternal life, repenting of sins (never to be revisited), God's Gift of Grace, it is me. Faith is one of my cornerstones in life but it is a struggle between knowing and believing and following. So many religions believe the following:
Can you be a Gay Christian? If the phrase “gay Christian” refers to a person who struggles against homosexual desires and temptations – yes, a “gay Christian” is possible. However, the description “gay Christian” is not accurate for such a person, since he/she does not desire to be gay, and is struggling against the temptations. Such a person is not a “gay Christian,” but rather is simply a struggling Christian, just as there are Christians who struggle with fornication, lying, and stealing. If the phrase “gay Christian” refers to a person who actively, perpetually, and unrepentantly lives a homosexual lifestyle – no, it is not possible for such a person to truly be a Christian.
So I can be gay, be saved, have eternal life as long as I don't have sex.....
6 comments:
Stephen,
I am so glad that you posted. I was concerned after you hadn't written anything on your blog. I sent you an email, and I didn't hear back, so I just hoped that you would be okay. (whatever okay is)
I totally understand your struggles with religion. I was raised as an Episcopalian. Half of my family is Catholic, half Episcopalian. (a long story) I would go to church every Sunday, even when none of my family would. The church was just a block from my house in the village where I lived. I sang in the choir and was pretty involved. I can remember praying every night for God to help me through my struggles with being attracted to men. I can remember praying at the pew and pleading for God to listen. No answers came.
Fast forward to two events that were defining for me.
1. When I got married, I stopped going to church, but then something came over me and I joined an Episcopalian parish that was just starting up. I wanted my three children baptized and to learn the good things about religion. I remember that I didn't really like the priest that much. He was (to be crass) an old fart. One day for his sermon he railed against the evils of homosexuality, and how we don't want "those kind of people" coming to our church. I thought to myself....Is this what Christianity is all about? I became disillusioned with the church and slowly stopped going.
2. My other defining moment was when I was in Greece. We were touring ancient sites build to honor all of the various Gods. Most of them were partially ruined because the Christians destroyed them. When I was on the island of Rhodes near Turkey I learned about the deportation of all of the Jews by the so called Christian Italians and Germans. Is this Christianity?
So after those things happened, I really began to question my beliefs. I used to think that I was an experiment by God put on this earth to see how someone like me could/would survive. I thought that as a teenager. But now as I look back on my life, I somehow must believe that if there is a God, he/she is not judgmental. I believe now that we are who we are. As long as we lead a life of honesty, integrity, and giving all is well.
I can only imagine your struggles as I read your account of being with the married man. Though I don't know you personally, I can tell by your posts that you are a decent and good person. Everything that happens to us makes us who we are. That event is a part of you, but you must not blame yourself for what happened. Being a teenager is all about self-discovery, with mistakes and successes.
I hope this makes sense. I didn't mean to write so much. Thanks for your post.
Michael, thank you so much for the comment and I'm sorry for not seeing the email until reading this comment as explained in the return email to you. Having been in the church all my life, reading the word, knowing what the scriptures say, hearing the word preached, knowing what religious institutions teach and believe has always been a struggle as you can tell from a part of this post. My relationship with God, my faith, my beliefs, my salvation, peace with who I am, what I am, well lets say a peace and understanding was made years ago. As it should be, a personal relationship between Jesus and oneself, an acceptance of God's saving grace has helped me endure and helps me hold onto my faith. It is a struggle and some days are harder than others....
Just wanted to say, same here. I was raised in a Catholic household, in a Catholic area and went to a Catholic school. Many nights were spent pleading with God, trying to make deals with God, tearfully asking for forgiveness from God. One interesting note however was that homosexuality was never mentioned in church or at school. Maybe they thought don't mention homosexuality and it will just go away.
No worries Stephen, I hate to see people in torment. It is a tricky thing. I was raised Lutheran, I went to Sunday school and went through our catechism school to become a member of the church. We went to all the church services and such. But I don't feel like I'm religious, but I do believe in God. My grandmother who I was closer to then anyone was very religious, loved God and did so much for her church. She lived as one should I believe. Didn't push things on others and was so kind to all no matter how nasty people got with her. When I came out she was the one that,said God created everything and everyone. If this wasn't meant to be it wouldn't. A relationship is between you and God and one else she believed. As long as one lived a good life of charity, kindness and being non judgmental was how she saw it. I came out very early, and even our pastor was good by it, as was people in the church. Rather I believe the bible per say or not is,another debate, but I have taken my grandmothers belief and I firmly believe everything is created by God. And my life is between me and god to sort and no one else.
I just hope the best for you and hope you'll find peace.....you are a sweet person I can tell.
I am glad to see you getting supported here on this topic.
I love you all...
Post a Comment