Tuesday, January 10, 2006

Is This All There Is?

There is a war raging within and it seems to only be getting worse, the casualties of this war being my mind, my sanity. . . for the most part I deal with it and like "water off a ducks back" am able to put it all in prospective and carry on, but sometimes, especially lately, the battles of this war has become more intense, the struggle more intense, my ability to place the happiness of many above the happiness of one, myself. . . lessens. Mortar rounds lighting up the darkness of my mind, bullets firing. . . I dig deeper into the foxhole waiting for this battle of the war to be over. If I dare to surrender to my dreams surely it will lead to madness, the happiness of many depend on me. . . being me. . . strong, logical, practical. The performance of a lifetime, Oscar nominated, I perform daily. . . wondering - Is This All There is?


woe said...

A powerfully worded post of your inner conflict. It is one I can identify with. Everyone around me knows me to be one person. The only person I have ever let them see. To show them something different now will devastate them. I feel your pain and anguish in your post.

'One day I'll fly away
Leave all this to yesterday' - Nicole Kidman, Moulin Rouge

Spider said...

I agree with woe - a very powerful post... but one thing you have to remember, everyone who loves you loves you for you - not what you are or what you portray, but for you. The intelligent, kind, sensitive, loving man that you are.

Remember my friend; YOU are not responsible for anyone’s happiness but your own... Your children will always love you - you are their Dad... and your dearest friends probably already know anyway… they always do!

And I guess I have to ask why surrendering to your dreams will lead to madness... what it will lead to is a short time of uncomfortableness and then a life time of happiness for you AND those around you.

Remember, you kids and your family don't really KNOW you - they know who you want them to know... not the same person. Believe me, your personal happiness is the most important thing - and that is not being selfish... You will have so much more love and understanding and joy to give to others once you find it within your self - TRUST ME - I know from where I speak...

You know where to reach me if you need to or want to talk...

Rob said...

Stephen my dear, dear friend and brother in this experience called life...I agree very much with what both woe and spider have said.

I don't know much, but I do know that you MUST think of yourself during certain situations and circumstances in your life. If you do not, you are doomed to live only what can be called a "half-life" - a life that was somewhat discontented because you were not true to "you." Things like this are never easy...and the battles come and go...but not long ago, a dear friend gave me this...and now I share it with you...in the spirit and hope that it will mean to you what it has come to mean to me...it's a very important message for all of us...


When you get what you want in your struggle for self,
and the world makes you king for a day,
Just go to a mirror and look at yourself,
and see what THAT MAN HAS TO SAY.
For it isn't another in your life whose judgement upon you must pass,
the fellow whose verdict counts most in your life
is the one staring back from the glass.
Some people might think
you're a logical chum, and call you a wonderful guy,
but the man in the glass says you're only a bum,
if you can't look him straight in the eye.
He's the fellow to please, never mind all the rest,
for he's with you clear up to the end.
And you've passed the most difficult, dangerous test,
if the guy in the glass is your friend.
You may fool the whole world down the pathway of years, and get pats on the back as you pass,
But your final reward will be heartaches and tears
if you've cheated the man in the glass.
~Unknown Author

Important to remember, buddy. Know that you always have a friend in me and I love and accept you wholeheartedly - just as you are - no strings attached. Be true to you and always embrace your destiny.
~Hugs from Rob :)

Jeff Skybar said...

You are not alone in your thoughts Stephen. It's amazing how many of us think this way. Hearing things like this from various other blogs, gives me a sigh of relief to know I am not the only one going thru this. We are all inthe same boat and all share the same planet, we need to open up more I think. Too many repressed feelings and thoughts throughout the ages, no wonder we constantly fight inner and outer battles.

Hypoxic said...

Stephen, you can not control the happiness of others - only of yourself. Take care of that .. and believe it or not ... the other will probably follow.

Hang in there and good luck!

jetboy747 said...

Everyone else is so poetic and beautiful and I agree with everyone, but when I ask, is this all there is? VISA always answers, no, in fact, there's a great deal more, look at page 2 of your statement.

It can be hard to find the rueful comedy in life, but you must look. When I really search, I'm rarely disappointed.

Stephen said...

woe, spider, rob, jeff, hypoxic, jetboy the comments from each of you meant so much, the road of life we travel can be hard sometimes but when friends like you care enough to leave comments like these it makes the road alot less bumpy. I love you, guys.

Phoenixboi said...

The true dream and the madness is not what you think will be but is now.

If you knew that today was your last day on earth, how would you live it?


Stephen said...

phoenixboi, how true your words are...one part of myself remains strong and true to others and the other part well, to be true to oneself and live it like it was the last day, I shudder to think what I would allow myself.

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