Sleepless In Georgia

As most of the world sleeps, I stand here peering out into the night. My body is tired from the day's grind, my mind barely functional, but sleep eludes me once again. Exhausted, I would welcome sleep, as much as the arms of a lover, but I find that neither is within my grasp. Unable to shut down, unable to escape, I stand here. Another sleepless night.............

Eye Opener

I could hear the chants of the demons. Into the bowels of Hell, I was almost dragged, so close I came, the flesh searing heat I felt, but I survived. After the legal advise I received the other day, I'm not ashamed to admit for a few days there I was circling the drain. This meeting was an eye-opener! After everything was laid out, after the last card was dealt, after all the options was tossed around, I knew. After I heard the bottom line figure of a sixty to forty split, I knew. Being my own worst enemy, I had done most of the damaged to myself and I knew the moment I walked out of that office, my demons were preparing for battle. But, this time I was ready, I immediately circled the wagons and waited for the attack. With a vengeance they came, gnashing of teeth, flesh ripping claws they came, some dreams and hopes got lost in the battle, but most importantly, I survived, survived to fight another day...........

A Dream's Death

Passing of time not only can wither away stone, but dreams, as well. Take it from someone who knows, nothing last forever, not even dreams......... (Stephen)

Options

My dear old dead Daddy always told me to look before leaping into anything, otherwise, you might find out the hole your dumb ass blindly leaped into is too damn deep to climb out of. And according to him, you never want to be the one saying, WTF, just happened! Well, I took dear old dead Daddy's advise and met with a lawyer today to see what my options might be...... IF....... mind you I said...... IF.......I decided to liquidate the union between the said parties of interest. Funny I used the word, liquidate.......but then again, I did hear it quite a bit today. Liquidate, said parties, of interest, and although he didn't come right out and say it, but you're fucked, should have been in there, as well.

Motivation

There is nothing I hate more that having to attend a meeting, and this one was mandatory. There was no way out short of it being a matter of life and death, no exceptions the memo stated. No exceptions!

Only one way out I thought, as I thumbed through the newspaper, searching for the obituaries. Scanning the names, not even a cousin twice removed, not even a friend of a friend, not one name, did I vaguely recognize. Damnit! No exceptions, no excuses, crumbling the newspaper, I resigned myself to the fate that awaited. But I had some time, maybe the phone would ring with an impeding death, a last reprieve from the coroner, I still could be saved, I refused to give up hope. I waited, I waited, hand ready to grab the phone, box of tissues for the crying eyes, I was ready, but no phone call came, not even a wrong number. I was doomed, the time had come, I could not wait any longer, feet dragging, dead man walking, down the corridor I went.

As I took a seat, I thought to myself, here we go again. Another meeting, going over the same stuff, listening to the same complaints, hearing the same suggestions, nothing new, nothing changed. How far from the truth, could I've been. Of course, there were some of the same old boring statistics, complaints, suggestions, but I won't bore you with those mundane details. However, I will tell you from the onset of the meeting, a guy sitting across the room caught my eye. I knew everyone there, had seen everyone there day in and day out, but had never seen this new guy. Turned out he was a quest speaker, one of those motivational speakers, some companies use to boost moral. Like I said, he had already caught my eye, but once he took the floor and began his speech, he had my undivided attention. He was what dreams are made of. I know you've heard women say "He undressed me with his eyes," well I'm sure he knows how it feels. Now, don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with the way he was dressed. Tie to match his blue shirt, shirt perhaps slightly starched, tucked into a pair of khaki pants, fitted just enough to reveal the slightest hint of a bugle would have been enough to allow my eyes to feast upon, but I had him undressed before he had a chance to utter his first words. I don't know about anyone else, but thank goodness the table prevented others in seeing just how motivated I was.

Rainy Night In Georgia

Never Ever...hopefully...Never Ever

Okay, I've got to say it. This is the scariest blog I've ever read. Stephen seems to be on the verge of suicide. Hope that's not the case! (comment left a few days ago)

Just so you know, if at anytime you ever were to hear that Stephen is dead and it appears to have been self-inflicted, it seems to have been intentional, an apparent dead by his own hands, please investigate! I will be the first to tell you there is a Killer on the loose, a fugitive on the run and he has my blood on his hands! Stephen loves himself too much to ever commit suicide. However, I will be the first to admit through the years at some of the lowest times in my life, my demons have tried their damnest. As I try to recall, I remember on two of the most darkest times in my life, I did think about taking my own life, one as a teenager and one not so many years ago. When a close, loved friend committed suicide, his death, my lost, touched me in a way I never thought I feel the sun's warmth again. This time in my life is perhaps the nearest I ever came, those demons, my demons, dragged me so far down, I almost gave in. For weeks, months, I functioned only on auto-pilot, a zombie going through the motions of how you would describe a loved one on life support, I had breathe but not life. Had it not been for pray, friends, and time, I would have been lost. The pain, the anguish is still there, but then so am I. No matter how low my demons may drag me down, somehow, someway I will survive.

Back To Work

Vacation time is over, time to drag out the old work boots and get your asses back to work. Finally, Stephen might have some time to himself once again. It seems as if everyone's vacation this year for one reason or another came at different times (mine still to come) and for that reason the house has been filled with coming and going and major activity, so much so, that Stephen has had very little time for himself. I've still been working and then on my days off, been pulled and tugged here and there. I'm so tired of hearing let's do this, do that, go here, you have a couple of days off, I've got the bags packed let's go and spend some time at the beach, let's go spend some time in Atlanta and do some shopping. No where in all this did I hear, Stephen, I know you only have a day off, stay home relax, get some rest, while we're gone. But I survived, I endured, I'm strong, I made it through to the other side. Now, maybe things will get back to some normalcy around here, and Stephen will have some time to himself, some down time, some time to be able to blog and visit friend's blogs, time to catch up.

Help, Bring a Key!

I haven't much time, listen carefully! I'm being held prisoner, held against my will. For weeks on end, shackled, chained, I've been and I'm going stark raving mad. A constant companion I've had, faithful, loyal, always there. It is as if the doctor has placed me on a suicide watch and failed to tell me about it. I need some space, I need some time alone. When did you say your vacation is over? When will I be set free? When will I have time to myself again?

Got to run, my shadow is coming.............please don't forget me..........

Regrets

When it is time for the flesh to wither, fall from the bone, when all is said and done, will I have any regrets...

Is It You?

Even though I haven't received a phone call or ransom note, doesn't make it not so. I know one of you has KIDNAPPED the sandman! For nights now, I have waited for my eyes to be dusted, but sleep has eluded me. It is obvious, he's been kidnapped, his dust confiscated! Stand up and confess, make it easy on yourself, don't make me have to track your ass down! I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I've got to have some sleep.


My kingdom for a restful nights sleep...............

Is The End In Sight

The war has raged on for so many years, one battle after another, a bloody war of right and wrong. I have struggled to reach the mountain top only to be washed down by the bleeding of a wounded heart, nails clawing into the dusty dirt, raw and tender, I have refused to let go. Clinging to the hope that there is, that there will be a glimmer of a new day, somewhere within reach, amidst all this cannon fire and smoke, I have refused to let go. But, have I the strength left to hold on, the strength to fight another battle or is the end in sight for me? Perhaps it is time to surrender, time to raise the white flag smeared with the drying blood, time to lick my wounds and fade silently away.........

Dear God

Dear God,

I know it has been awhile since our last talk but I was wondering if you had some spare time on your hands and maybe a miracle laying around that wasn't being used, now would be a good time to send it my way. I really need one. I don't want to be all selfish here, but time is running out in case you haven't noticed. I'm holding on to the faith that all things are possible for those that believe but the clock, on the wall, is ticking away and I'm not getting any younger here. Before it is too late, before I have more winkles than the bedsheets, send the damn miracle, please............. AMEN.

Afraid

This is a earlier post written way back in 2005, in the very infancy of my blog:

Cold Mountain Love...................

When I look into your eyes, not only do I see your soul but mine, as well. The breath you breathe in not only yours but mine,as well. The gentle touch of your hand across my skin warms me like a warm fire on a cold winter's night. My first waking thought, in the morning, is the same as my last thought before sleep captured me and held me prisoner in the darkness, that thought is you. My dreams of you are the only light keeping me safe from the insanity of the night. I am only complete when you're in my embrace, my arms around you, holding you, feeling the beat of your heart. Amazing all consuming love.

When I re-read the words, I ask myself? Have I really ever felt, really ever known this kind of love? Looking inside, deep inside, I know I have loved, I still love, and I know what it is like to be someones all consuming love, but when I ask myself . . .it scares me. A chill runs through me . . . I am cold . . . I can not feel the warmth of such a love and it scares me. I am afraid, I may never know this feeling and it scares me... I tremble.

Never Let Me Go

When I'm in your arms all the pain I fill inside is gone.

Hold me till nothing else matters..........

Slowly Fading Away

In the beginning, I knew you were not the holding hand type, but there was something about your hands, the touch of your skin, I could not resist. I knew this of myself, you knew this of me and it was OK. Each time I reached for your hand, each time our fingers entwined, your smile gave you away, telling me it was OK. This you did for me. Once, all I had to do was close my eyes and the memory was so vivid, you although gone, I could still feel your touch, your strength, the warmth of your heart, our fingers entwined, but time can be so cruel, so unforgiving an enemy. Remembering you is easy, I close my eyes, I tuck away my now life, and you are always there, but when I reach for your hand I grasp only the shadow of your memory. Your strength, your warmth is slowly fading, time is stealing you away and there is nothing I can do..............

Tired

All my days, all my nights, flowing seamlessly into one . . . no rest . . . no peace . . . no quiet. . .no time to think . . . I'm so tired.

A Voice Whispers

There it is again. Can you hear it? Listen! Surely you must, please tell me I'm not going mad?

Silence ..................

There is no need for words, I do not have to hear you speak them, your eyes, they betray you, I have my answer.

The voice, the whisper is coming from within . . . a voice, a whisper telling "me" it is OK.

My child, your journey has been long and hard, you have faced many trials, many tribulations, many storms have you weathered, but it is OK. "Step into the light," the voice whispers, "it will be OK."

Do I dare listen?

Believe?

Have enough faith?

Have enough strength?

Do I dare .................step into the light ........................

Friends

From the beginning you have been beside me, cradling me in your arms, the warmth of your body shielding me from the coldness of this world. When the currents try as they may, to pull me under, down into the abyss of death, you have been my strength, keeping my head above the raging waters. Where would I be without you?

Josh Groban - February Song

Sometimes a song says it all.....