This morning I awoke from a fretful nights sleep and not having to jump up immediately,
shower, and head into work, I stared at the ceiling. Alone, in bed, wrapped in the warmth of the covers I lay there. Not having to think of all the tasks that usually awaits me at work, my mind was blank. Absolutely thinking of nothing. If felt weird, I felt detached from the world, even detached from myself. Motionless, still as the church mouse I lay there, only the rise and fall of the covers from my breathing gave away a hint of life. I can't honestly say how I long I remained there, seconds, minutes, detached from myself, detached from life. Then it happened, a single thought, a question.
Who am I?
I waited on a answer but nothing came, only the question filled the void, Who am I?
Then the revelation... Nobody knows me, not my family, my friends, no one. They know what I allow them to see and from this they would say I know Stephen, but it is only the shell of who I am.
Sometimes I wonder, do I even know myself anymore, or have I harden the shell so much until that is all that remains. Have I the faith to ever know myself again. Do I have the faith to climb that mountain once again. The faith to know my true self again.
6 comments:
You have the strength, you've always had the strength, but never the courage.
The Paradox is: the more you allow others to see you, the more Self you will have. "Who am I?" is a life time process (if you are lucky). Start by less shell games.
Life can be so beautiful and also so cruel and hard. As I read through your writings again and again I feel exactly the same pain and regrets. So many "if onlys", but they do not exist. Only what was and is exists. I am considerably older than you and know so well the anguish and pain. Also the knowledge that I am the man He meant me to be, for whatever reason He might have had. But there is the certanity that you are loved and you can love, even yourself. Especially yourself! That message comes through all that you express. YOU ARE BOTH UNDERSTOOD AND LOVED. My prayers go with you and for you.
You are right, I do perhaps have the strength. Don't know if courage is the correct word. Perhaps, I to have the courage but not the "hardheartedness" that is required.
Ur-spo, the words of your wisdom always help, thank-you.
Anonymous, "Only what was and is exists" how wonderfully written. Thank you so much for this comment, thank you so much for stopping by, and for taking the time to comment. (((((hugs)))) to you....
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