It seems I've lost all sense of direction, my direction. Two months into 2007 and I have yet to find my way back. Searching, stumbling, I've allowed myself to become lost, once again back into the darkness. Finding excuse after excuse, I have allowed myself little time to search out, grasp, hold onto the truth, my truth. Somehow I have allowed myself to become complacent, contend with how things are, with how they have always been. Have I done this to spare pain to those loved, or truthfully have I done this to spare myself the pain I would endure when I looked into eyes that love me without question? Honestly, I do not know. What has become obvious, what is clear to these clouded eyes of mine is that, I'm am sabotaging my own life, I see it, I know it, but I cannot prevent it.
It is evident here, the one place I allowed myself freedom, the one place I allowed myself, to be mine, and mine alone. The one and only place I could be me. In the beginning, it struggled to live, but the words, my words gave it life. It allowed me a place to share a side of myself that had always been but never allowed to be. I had finally found a place of belonging, a place to openly be me, a place of friends. So I ask myself. Why? Why would I sabotage the one place I can be me without any judgment or condemnation. Why would I sabotage my haven against the insanity of my own mind. Why do I find myself searching, stumbling, once again surrounded by the darkness, lost to both myself and to you.
5 comments:
My dear sweet Stephen...how I've missed you. I'm so sorry you've been feeling (and continue to feel) lost. You are not alone and without the friendship and love of those who surround you. There is always light at the end of darkness and sometimes it takes time to get to that light. But I am here to hold your hand as you make your way through the darkness and as you find your way back to the place that allows you to be who you truly are...no promises, no regrets. I love you dearly, my friend...and am here for you always. Sending hugs and lots of love and kisses.
~Rob
Stephen, I wish I knew how to remove you from the darkplace, yet I know I struggle to find my own way out. You are much loved and we are all here waiting.
Now that you believe that you are surrounded by darkness, what is your plan to find your way out. I do not believe that you are lost, I believe that you have already begun to find your way out or you would not even realize this at all. Keep on moving and you will find your own unique way!
To quote from an earlier Stephen (12/05), as a Southerner, I wish you "a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of potato salad" for comfort, but as a Northerner, I also wish you a lit candle and a mirror so you can see your spy, your secret agent, learn to trust him, and finally let him truly guide you where Stephen needs to go.
Rob, woe, albert, lyngwood, your comments, your thoughts, kindness, your words are the light needed to replace the darkness that surrounds me. Words to express my thanks escape me. I only wish you could feel the love and warmth within my heart for each of you. Hugs and Kisses
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