Part Two
.
Maybe I was that child, you know, the one not quite right. Honesty, I thought perhaps there was something wrong with me. Here I was having all these feelings toward other boys and now here I was having sex with the boy down the road. Yes, he was older, yes he initiated it, but I liked it, I wanted it to happen. I was not innocent, but I knew if my secret was discovered, I wouldn't have to worry about being locked in a hidden room somewhere upstairs, my fate would have been much worse. 
My memory would have been like the dust of the dirt blowing in the wind across the plowed fields. My name forbidden to flow across the tongues of loved ones. Many days and nights were filled with thoughts of shame, thoughts of fear. What was wrong with me? Why was I having these feelings? Why was it supposed to be wrong when it felt so right to be feel his touch against my skin? At the time, at that age, I had no answers.
Maybe I was that child, you know, the one not quite right. Honesty, I thought perhaps there was something wrong with me. Here I was having all these feelings toward other boys and now here I was having sex with the boy down the road. Yes, he was older, yes he initiated it, but I liked it, I wanted it to happen. I was not innocent, but I knew if my secret was discovered, I wouldn't have to worry about being locked in a hidden room somewhere upstairs, my fate would have been much worse. 
My memory would have been like the dust of the dirt blowing in the wind across the plowed fields. My name forbidden to flow across the tongues of loved ones. Many days and nights were filled with thoughts of shame, thoughts of fear. What was wrong with me? Why was I having these feelings? Why was it supposed to be wrong when it felt so right to be feel his touch against my skin? At the time, at that age, I had no answers. 
3 comments:
stephen, while i do no know how old you are, back in the day we all felt that shame, that feeling that we would be locked away, it was not until just several years ago that i have finally felt that i am ok, that this is ok, that for me, this is normal and there is not a fucking damn thing wrong with who and what i am......so hang in there buddy....your time will come and what a great feeling you will finally have to be in the light and out of that damned closet
hugs to ya
daveincleveland, thanks buddy, it has been a journey, hopefully my looking back post are not too boring. Like I said sometimes we have to look back to able to look forward. Yes, at one time I thought something was wrong, that I was flawed. But as I've been on this blogging journey, I'm understanding there is no flaw, but I have been given something extra, something that special, now it is up to me to discover what it is I want to do with it.
we are special, we are somebody, and dammit there is not a fucking thing wrong with it, and no my friend your looking back is not boring, but most refreshing as it reminds me of all the thoughts i had way back and actually we sound kinda like on the same path of self discovery ...how awesome this path and journey is that we are taking
Post a Comment