I Send You All My Love

Work has not been only a killer to my body, wrecked havoc with my soul, but it has captured and held hostage all my free time these last few days. It does not mean I have not thought about each of you, it does not mean I have not missed each of you, it does not mean my Prince Charming rode in on his white horse and carried me away to live happily ever after. It just means my tail is dragging the floor! Hugs and Kisses

Cold Feet

What am I doing? The last time I allowed myself to believe, allowed myself to trust, it was short of a disaster. I gave, I shared, I trusted and it almost caused my world, my life to crumble down around me.

The words I wrote then keep echoing in the cavernous recess of what I call a brain.

Never make the mistake of believing you are in control of your own life, your own destiny, if you share your secrets, your hopes, your dreams with anyone else. You know Stephen lives in a CLOSET, fuck that is obvious, just look at the title of the blog. There has only been one person in my life that knew Stephen perhaps better than Stephen knew himself and when he died a few years ago I never thought there would be anyone else I would openly share everything with. That was until several months ago and what began as a causal "Hello, nice to meet you." What turned into almost daily communications, an earning of my trust, my wanting a friend to talk with, share secrets, hopes, and dreams with, what began as an innocent email turned out to be a nightmare. I won't go into details here but it turned into a nightmare that almost made me never want to look at a computer ever again.

Dare I try this again? How much do I tell, share with this new man? Do I allow myself to trust again?

I Think It Is Time

I've been thinking. Hell, I've been thinking for a long time. Time for what, you ask? Well, I think it is time for me to open the door, crack the window,
explore the possibilities, while I still have possibilities to explore. To what extend you ask? Who knows?
Certainly not I, but I think I will test the waters once again. Condemn my soul to hell, if you must, I am strong, I can take it.

Where Are You?

I have not given up, I know you are out there, you must be, I will not allow myself to think, believe otherwise. If I did, I could not bare it, I could not survive it. I hold fast to the faith that one day you will come. Don't worry, the gift that awaits you has been kept safe from all others, it belongs to you and you alone. It has been guarded, protected and without any and all abandon, I will place into your hand, the gift no one else can ever have. To you and only you, I give my heart.

Is It Over Yet?

This explains how my day went. How was your Monday?

Do You No Longer Love Me?

Is it time?





In the beginning, there was nothing.

Surrounded with darkness, void of any life, a blank canvas longed to live.

Believing, keeping the faith, it patiently waited, knowing its creator would eventually come.

When all others held onto nothing but doubt, it believed.

The eyes of this canvas searched the darkness day after day, until the day came, a small but undeniable flicker of light broke through the stillness.

First one flicker, then another, the light became brighter and brighter, the canvas was no longer blank. Words, thoughts, desires, hopes filled the pages that once was barren of life.

Words had given it a heartbeat, words from its creator had given it breath, words from its creator had given it life. It rejoiced from the love and warmth from its creator, the same way a hard cock welcomes the love and warmth of a lover's mouth. The blank canvas was his to do as he wished.


You, my creator, my lover, came to me sometimes in the early morning, sometimes in the brightness of the midday, there were even times when you came to me in the dead of night, I always welcomed the touch of the keyboard, knowing you were there. Your breath was my breath, your heartbeat my heartbeat.

But. . .

I have been told by the lack of visitors, I have been told by the lack of comments, that something is happening. I cannot allow myself to believe what I fear the most. The thoughts beat at the door of my weakening heartbeat, that perhaps I will soon be no longer. Days pass and there is nothing. Days pass, your touch, cannot be felt, your words do not come. There is nothing but the darkness from which I came. I am nothing without you.

Do you no longer love me?

Monday Blues

After the day I've had, I sure could use a kiss. . .

Where Is That Puzzle Piece?

Broken Hearted

Happy St. Patrick's Day

Prayers to Heaven

You are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend.

Do It and It Will Bite You In The Ass!

You don't have to be told, you just know, when you do something you shouldn't, there will be consequences. Do something you know should not be done and sooner or later it will come back to bite you in the ass, or haunt you just enough.

WELL........

You know I took a day off this week, spur of the moment, totally unplanned, I called in, gave no explanation, I took a day off, a day just for me. I enjoyed it, I needed it, but it is now biting me in the ass! It is the weekend, and yes, it was to be another two days off, but no, oh no, I've just got a call. You know the kind, yes that kind, begging, pleading, don't know what we're going to do if you can't, won't, will you please come to work. Why did I answer the phone? Why am I such a nice guy? In a few hours my weekend will be over, I will be going to work, there will be no chance for me, so I'm leaving it up to you, my friends to have a sexy weekend for the both of us. Enjoy it!

Can't Believe I Did It

I find it hard to believe. I can't believe I did it, but I'm guilty, I confess. When I awoke this morning, instead of jumping out of bed, instead of letting today become just another previous day of just another, of all the other previous days I've allowed myself this year, I laid there thinking. Fuck this, not today! It was totally unplanned, something totally out of character for me, but I did it. There was nothing special about this day, there was nothing making this day any different than any of the other days but something triggered something and I refused to allow today to become like all the others. I didn't think about my actions, I reached for the phone, I did the unimaginable, I took the day off. I'm giving myself a Hump Day Holiday.

Direction

It seems I've lost all sense of direction, my direction. Two months into 2007 and I have yet to find my way back. Searching, stumbling, I've allowed myself to become lost, once again back into the darkness. Finding excuse after excuse, I have allowed myself little time to search out, grasp, hold onto the truth, my truth. Somehow I have allowed myself to become complacent, contend with how things are, with how they have always been. Have I done this to spare pain to those loved, or truthfully have I done this to spare myself the pain I would endure when I looked into eyes that love me without question? Honestly, I do not know. What has become obvious, what is clear to these clouded eyes of mine is that, I'm am sabotaging my own life, I see it, I know it, but I cannot prevent it.

It is evident here, the one place I allowed myself freedom, the one place I allowed myself, to be mine, and mine alone. The one and only place I could be me. In the beginning, it struggled to live, but the words, my words gave it life. It allowed me a place to share a side of myself that had always been but never allowed to be. I had finally found a place of belonging, a place to openly be me, a place of friends. So I ask myself. Why? Why would I sabotage the one place I can be me without any judgment or condemnation. Why would I sabotage my haven against the insanity of my own mind. Why do I find myself searching, stumbling, once again surrounded by the darkness, lost to both myself and to you.

In The Shadows

I am being followed! Someone is there, I know it, I can feel his presence, I can sense it. Following, lurking in the darkness, hidden behind shadows, watching my every move, a spy, a secret agent, a man, his face I can not make out. Walking when I walk, his steps mirror my steps, their sound echoing in my ears, he is there, behind me, following me.

I STOP!

I freeze in mid-step, trying to catch a more audible sound, but he stops as instantly as I. I stand there, I listen, I hear nothing, there is only silence, a deafening quiet. I know he is there, even though his footsteps no longer haunt my ears, I can still feel his presence. I know it is not possible, it must be my imagination, my mind playing a trick on me, his silenced footsteps have been replaced with the sound of his heartbeat. I can hear his heartbeat, I can feel his heartbeat, it beats in tune with mine. Thump . . . thump . . . thump. . .

There are no bed covers to pull over my head as I did as a child, scared of the night, even more afraid from having watched a scary movie, movies of monsters and creatures of the night. I am not afforded bed covers of warmth and safety, I will not find any here. It is time, to face the man.

Searching

I never dreamed, never imagined, didn't have the slightest inkling of what this New Year was going to bring my way. Well, now I know! Work, work, and more work! Right from the start, from the very first day of this new year, my life has centered around nothing but work. I've had very little down time, very little time to update this dying blog, very little time to check in on the lives of friends whom I have missed. So very little time.

There must be a reason. Why have I let myself be so consumed with work? Sitting here, looking at the computer screen, I search for the answer. But I wonder, will I find what I seek by looking for it on the screen or will I find the answer to what I seek, lurking in the blackness of my own mind.

Stephen, eyes closed, rested, arms folded over chest, lying on a black leather sofa . . . while another part of Stephen sits at a desk. This Stephen, the one at the desk, has a pad in hand, he peers over the glasses he has sitting on the bridge of his nose, he looks at the image of himself lying there on the couch, he bites the tip of the pen, thinking, contemplating but saying NOTHING. The Stephen on the couch waits, peering off into space, seeing NOTHING but the blackness behind his closed eyelids, he waits and waits and waits. But there is . . .

Kisses From Stephen

It was touch and go, but I think the worst is behind me. I thought I was circling the drain for a couple of days, slowly going down, but I made it, I'm feeling better. Between feeling like death warmed over and still trying to work, I've had very little time to post, but I did want to let each of you know how much the well wishes meant. I give each of you some kisses from Stephen.

Not This Kind

The way this year has been, I knew it was only a matter of time, I knew it was coming, there was no doubt in my mind, it was going to happen. I tried to deny it, I tried to resist it, I wanted nothing to do with it, but the microscopic little shit found me. It was there, patiently waiting, just for the right time to attack. I've got to give the "little shit' credit, it knew what it was doing. It wiggled its way in, silently, quietly, without me knowing, until it was too late. Now my throat is on FIRE!

God it hurts! Aches....pains.....fever.....all over the body.

I needed a day off but not this kind . . . .

I Need a Day Off

I've always heard whatever you do on the first day of the New Year, then that will be what you'll be doing for the rest of the year. Well, so far it has been true, I worked the New Year in and everyday since then, in some form or another. What do they say about all work and no play? Please someone, come cut the ropes that bound me to all this work. I need a day off!



I did want to thank each of you, my friends, old and new for stopping by and especially for taking the time to leave a comment, it means the world to me.

I AM THE NEW YEAR

I am the New Year.
I am an unspoiled page in your book of time.
I am your next chance at the art of living.
I am your opportunity to practice what you have learned about life during the last twelve months.
All that you sought and didn't find is hidden in me, waiting, for you to search it out with more determination and passion.
All that you dreamed but didn't dare to do,all the faith that you claimed but did not have -- These slumber lightly, waiting to be awakened by the touch of a strong purpose.
I am your opportunity.
-- Author Unknown

May each of you find the new year all that you desire it to be. Hugs and Kisses, Stephen

The End

The end is in sight! Good-bye 2006 . . .

I looked into the mirror this morning and there it was, right there for the whole world to see. I blinked once, blinked twice, it was still there, only more visible now since I had the eyes cleared of sleep. Where did that come from? The nerve of it, lying there, right next to the right eye, did it think I would not see it? I touched it ever so slightly, rubbed it, pulled it, tried to smooth it out, but it was determined, it had found a new home and it was here to stay. There was no use in denying it, it was there alright. Another wrinkle!

But, what can I expect? Another year has come and gone. So what if there is another wrinkle. Another wrinkle? Damn, where did I put that anti-wrinkle cream?