Married - Gay - Bi -Closeted Man

Call it what you will: married but gay, married but bi, straight with gay tendencies, straight with bi urges, it is what it is, no matter how you look at it.  There are men that love other men that happened to be married. Again, agree or disagree - is it wrong, is it right? Remember God is the only judge, and I'm not trying to open the proverbial can of worms here, just stating the fact from Stephen's perspective. Yes, I do pray, yes I do believe in God.  I have lived all my life on this earth and by no means do I consider myself a Saint but I never have been a judgmental person. It may be from being in the closet, nature, or nurture, who knows, and frankly who cares? Again it is, what it is. Now with all that being said it brings me to today's post. Exert from a article I read follows:

Apparently, there are more closet gay men on the planet than there are closets. All over the world middle-aged blokes are living one lifestyle while thinking about another. Many are married with kids and put on an appearance to convince those around them that they are just another Joe Average heterosexual son, brother, husband, father, and so on. A question frequently asked in lifestyle forums is this; “Why do so many men ‘turn gay’ at middle age?” The answer to that is they don’t. Well not usually! Most have always been that way, or at the very least had tendencies that they’ve kept from the wider world, and perhaps even from their own conscious mind. A boy’s sexuality is defined early in his childhood and so becomes set, or hard-wired into his very being. What this means is that no one is actually ‘born gay’, but homosexuality is developed as the child develops. Toby Strowger 

As far back as I can remember the tendencies of male attraction has always been a present companion, a hidden companion, but none the less a secret pal. buddy and friend. What has me thinking, pondering, wondering, if not born this way, what along the way defined my sexuality? What childhood trigger set me off on this path?  Believe me, I have a memory like an elephant and it stretches back really far, but for the life of me I can not pinpoint any event to attribute it to. What do you think? Were you born this way, did the male to male attraction occur from some defining moment in your childhood, and more importantly, does it really even matter. We are who we are....

Happy Valentine's Day

Here's hoping your Valentine's Day is all you want it to be.....

Absence

I knew it had been a long time since posting. I knew a lot of water had flowed under the bridge, but I hadn't stopped to realize - almost four years. Wow!  I have to admit, I had not once thought it had been that long. With all the things happening in my life, I also hadn't realized how much actually, I missed it. What began in 2005 as a means of finding myself, or perhaps, a means of losing myself, it all began. The first post was made and a lot of acquaintances from fellow bloggers, as well. It was one of these special friends from years ago reaching out in email  asking, "Where are you, what is going on, hoping you are OK" that made me stop and take stock in blogging again.  I've stopped, re-read old posts, re-lived the highs and certainly a lot of lows in the last few days. But, you know what I've discovered?  Stephen is still standing! Still here, still around, still in "The Closet"  and Stephen is ok with that.  Now, it makes me wonder about all the other bloggers from the past. When going through the blogroll, very few are still around. I know some wonderful blogging friends has past on in life. I guess others like me just faded away leaving a trace of themselves on the web. I can only hope they found happiness and their dreams were fulfilled. I've added some new blogs to the blogroll and I'm looking forward in making some new acquaintances as I entered the world of blogging once again. If you wondering by for the first time, sit a spell, read some old post, say hello, you are always welcomed at Stephen's Closet.

Acceptance

Finding acceptance from others is hard, but what is even more difficult, is finding acceptance with oneself.  Once you are able to this, it doesn't matter what "MASK" you choose to wear.  Accept yourself for you, be who you are, for you. Wear the mask of your acceptance for yourself. The man in the mirror may be flawed but accept those flaws. The flaws you see are a part of you, they have enabled you to discover yourself. Agree or disagree it doesn't matter. I accept who I am...

Well-Read

There's just something about a well-read man that gets me every time!

No Matter What - Weather The Storm

Calum Scott - Dancing On My Own

Demons

Absence of mind, absence of will, absence of life, surrounded by my demons....explains it all!

Have You Gotten

It is time to get your flu vacine! The CDC recommends: "While there is little flu activity right now, flu season usually begins in October, and flu activity is expected to increase in the coming weeks to months. CDC recommends that everyone aged 6 months and older get a flu vaccine every year. The vaccine protects against the three flu viruses research indicates will cause the most illness during the upcoming season".

Flu vaccines are offered in; doctor’s offices, clinics, health departments, pharmacies,college health centers, as well as by many employers like mine (free of charge). The cost is minimal if you have to pay out of pocket and remember another good option if you're in the age range and afraid of needles like so many people are, there's the nasal spray. 

There's many that still opt out of getting vaccinated so if you are one of these, maintain a healthy immune system, take your Vitamin C in one form or another and above all remember that hand washing is top of the list.

Love you guys, stay healthy,
Stephen 

Lay Me Down

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray the Lord my soul to keep,
If I shall die before I wake,
I pray the Lord my soul to take. Amen.

Over the years my sleeping attire has changed as I've aged. Early on I slept completely naked, not a stitch of clothing, no constrictions of any kind.  Clean crisp sheets against the naked body has always been a wonderful pleasure at night. Sliding in between the sheets, feeling the coolness against your skin....what more can I say, I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. However, over the years, I've slowly progressed to sleeping in pajama bottoms (only) when the house became filled with little invaders coming in and out during the night.  They would creep into bed seeking protection from the monsters hiding under their own bed but walk down a darken hallway to slip into mine, go figure.  Time passes and I guess so do we, now you can find me almost on any given night sleeping in a worn pair of gym shorts and a pull over T-shirt. I no longer have to worry about little invaders and creepy nightly monsters but have not returned to my bare-assed sleeping habit.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        

After your nightly rituals are done and you've said your nightly prayer how does the sand man find you waiting?

ARROW (Stephen Amell)

Ok I promise I'm not turning my blog into a review of shows here, but the CW has a show that has captured my attention. It is called "ARROW" starring Stephen Amell. Below is the synopsis of the show for those unfamiliar with the character of Oliver Queen. Check it out....

After a violent shipwreck, billionaire playboy Oliver Queen was missing and presumed dead for five years before being discovered alive on a remote island in the Pacific. When he returns home to Starling City, his devoted mother Moira, much-beloved sister Thea, and best friend Tommy welcome him home, but they sense Oliver has been changed by his ordeal on the island. While Oliver hides the truth about the man he's become, he desperately wants to make amends for the actions he took as the boy he was. Most particularly, he seeks reconciliation with his former girlfriend, Laurel Lance. As Oliver reconnects with those closest to him, he secretly creates the persona of Arrow - a vigilante to right the wrongs of his family, fight the ills of society, and restore Starling City to its former glory. By day, Oliver plays the role of a wealthy, carefree and careless philanderer he used to be - flanked by his devoted chauffeur/bodyguard, John Diggle - while carefully concealing the secret identity he turns to under cover of darkness. However, Laurel's father, Detective Quentin Lance, is determined to arrest the vigilante operating in his city. Meanwhile, Oliver's own mother, Moira, knows much more about the deadly shipwreck than she has let on and is more ruthless than he could ever imagine.

I think you will like it equally for the plot of the show as well as for the obvious handsome Stephen Amell.

The Walking Dead

Don't know if you're a fan of The Waking Dead, but I certainly am. If you have never watched it here is something to catch you up: Waking up in an empty hospital after weeks in a coma, County Sheriff Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln) finds himself utterly alone. The world as he knows it is gone, ravaged by a zombie epidemic. The Walking Dead tells the story of the weeks and months that follow after the apocalypse. Based on Robert Kirkman's hugely successful and popular comic book series, AMC's The Walking Dead is an epic, edge-of-your-seat drama where personal struggles are magnified against a backdrop of moment-to-moment survival. A survivalist story at its core, the series explores how the living are changed by the overwhelming realization that those who survive can be far more dangerous than the mindless walkers roaming the earth. They themselves have become the walking dead. After watching the above video of Andrew Lincoln, I won't even try to make you believe I watch the show just for the Zombie's.

Faith

This morning I awoke from a fretful nights sleep and not having to jump up immediately, shower, and head into work, I stared at the ceiling. Alone, in bed, wrapped in the warmth of the covers I lay there. Not having to think of all the tasks that usually awaits me at work, my mind was blank. Absolutely thinking of nothing. If felt weird, I felt detached from the world, even detached from myself. Motionless, still as the church mouse I lay there, only the rise and fall of the covers from my breathing gave away a hint of life. I can't honestly say how I long I remained there, seconds, minutes, detached from myself, detached from life. Then it happened, a single thought, a question. Who am I? I waited on a answer but nothing came, only the question filled the void, Who am I? Then the revelation... Nobody knows me, not my family, my friends, no one. They know what I allow them to see and from this they would say I know Stephen, but it is only the shell of who I am. Sometimes I wonder, do I even know myself anymore, or have I harden the shell so much until that is all that remains. Have I the faith to ever know myself again. Do I have the faith to climb that mountain once again. The faith to know my true self again.

All Too Real

 Adele's song, Set Fire to the Rain      Video by Gardner Vallentine    

For many the struggles are all too real...

TENSION, STRESS, PAIN

What gives? For the past several days late in the afternoon it starts. When the day is winding down I can feel it starting, slowly creeping its way into the muscles of my neck. Tighter and tighter, working its way from the right shoulder to the base of the skull making it impossible to move my head without excruciating pain. Pain relievers taken before its encroaching arrival, pain relievers taken when it attacks and nothing is touching the pain. Standing in the shower under the hottest of water seems to be the only solution so far....

Prayers

I haven't been able to get anything done in the yard due to all the rain we've gotten on a daily basis and found myself complaining about it to a co-worker. Then I realized what was I thinking? What have I to complain about. A little rain....come on I tell myself. Nothing in my life can compare to the troubles others have seen or actually are going through right now. No matter how bad things get at times, I try to remind myself there is always someone else going through trails way worst than anything thrown my way. God, my heart goes out to the people that have had their lives devastated by Hurricane Isaac. Prayers for each and everyone touch by this storm...

What Is Your Favorite Brand of Underwear?

I hate it, I can't stand it and but I've put it off for too long. I've got to go shopping and I rather be beat. Just tie me up and beat me until I scream UNCLE. Wait that's another story, we were talking about shopping weren't we? Shopping for underwear way past time, thread bare, worn thin, stretched out, you name it I've got them. Don't faint, but heck, there's probably a pair or two with holes. So I guess, before someone calls the fashion police to me, it's time to go shopping. Which leads me to my question? What is your favorite brand of underwear? Briefs or Boxers? I'm a boxer guy and have different brands all thrown in together. If you stopped me on any given day and asked what brand of underwear I was wearing, I would probably have to look down at the waistband, that is, if I actually had any on.....

I'm Back...Is It Possible?

Looking Out From A Southern Closet Born: Sept. 25, 2005 Died: June 19, 2011 For all intents and purposes it was over....done....it was to have remained dead. A collection of words born from pain, hidden truths, what if's and what could have been. I know, if only, I had found the strength (within) things could have been different now. But, in life one can't always find the answers, never a clear path seen amidst the fog, there was never a road without pain. As a man, with duties and obligations, I allowed the scales to always tilt in the favor of others and I walked away. Keyboard covered in dust, locked away, buried inside, a prison cell of darkness Stephen was banished back into his solitude. But day after day with little hope, he has dug and clawed his way back. It may be too late, who knows, but for now Stephen is back home. Is it possible?

Is It TIme?

You gave me breath, a heartbeat, you gave me life. You, my creator, my lover, came to me sometimes in the early morning, sometimes in the brightness of the midday, there were even times when you came to me in the dead of night. I always welcomed the touch of your fingers on the keyboard, through your words I lived.

I cannot allow myself to believe what I fear the most. The thoughts beat at the door of my weakening heartbeat, that perhaps I will soon be no longer. Like a patient lying on his deathbed I survive only by the wires connecting me. I tremble, fearing my heartbeat will soon be flat-lined from the pulling of the plug. Much like the dying patient I have no voice, my life is in your hands. Days pass, your touch, cannot be felt, your words do not come, you deny me breath, you deny me life, my heart weakens. I'm scared I will soon be nothing but the darkness from which I came.

Poor Aching Feet