Friday, October 10, 2008

I've Been Robbed!









Where did they go? All of them, every last single one of them has disappeared! Like a thief in the night looted and gone, they are. I've been robbed! I know I should have updated, switched over, changed hosting sites for my links, but I never got around to doing it and now look where it's gotten me. Nothing! I guess this tells me something, I guess I should be reading between my own lines more, shouldn't I? A lesson learned, it could be. Never put things off!

Diligent as a beaver building his dam back after a flash flood, I will work on adding everyone back, but if I miss you, please leave me a comment or send me an email.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Jock Itch of a Different Nature




















I have an itch that needs to be scratched.......... A fear that I might like it.............

Monday, October 06, 2008

Into The Light










I hear voices telling me to go into light............

Friday, October 03, 2008

Walls Come Tumbling Down





















How long had it been? I couldn't remember, but heck it's kind of like riding a bike. Years between rides, flat tires, rusted chains, none of it matters, once you've done it a time or two, it is something you never forget how to do. So I thought, what did I have to lose, absolutely nothing. I took a deep breath and sank to my knees. I admit, I was a little wobbly, a little rusty but this was something I needed to do. The desire was so strong I couldn't back out, I wanted it so bad, I could almost taste it, without ever parting my lips. I was nervous, my hands shook, and briefly I thought about getting up, about walking away, forgetting it all together, but it had been so long and I so needed to do this. I closed my eyes, another deep breath, and I started! Dear God, forgive me, I know I have sinned! I know I am not worthy but if you are still answering prayer, please, if you see fit answer one for me. The crispness of the air filled my lungs and the cool breeze touched my face like the gentle hands of a lover this morning on my way to work and I just can't survive another day locked away inside. Please God, give me the strength of Samson, lead me to the pillars of stone, help me Lord, to bring down the walls, let them tumble at the feet of my captors. I am suffocating, stuck inside these walls, please set me free. I need to be outside, I need to feel, to breath the freshness of Fall! I need to run naked through the falling leaves..... well, maybe not naked, but none the less, I need to be outside, damn it! Amen.

OK, I did it. Stephen slowly gets up, sits down at his desk and goes back to work.


Update: Guess what? God does answer prayers, at least, sometimes. I finished up at work earlier than expected so I headed home, changed, put on some hiking shoes and spent some of the afternoon hiking, no interruptions, no distractions, just me and the fresh Autumn air...



Friday, September 26, 2008

Jekyll and Hyde












It is getting harder and harder, I'm afraid my control over is him is at hand. I have tried, I've resisted, but his desires, his urges are growing stronger, his will to live growing stronger. My efforts appear to be in vain, my will, my control weakening. I write this down, in fear, that if he wins, I will be no more..........the man.........you know will be no more. In the shadows of me he survived, but I fear I will not, if the roles are reversed.

Dr. Henry Jekyll (aka Stephen)

Sunday, September 21, 2008

I Need to Drink Until I Get Drunk
















There's no other place for me than here, now, in your arms. I thirst for you even when my glass is full, hold me, let me drink you in. When I am in your arms, I am safe. Your touch warms away the coldness of this life, I shiver no more. When I am in your arms, I am complete.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I Hear Voices



















Whispering, muffled voices, driving me mad, insane!
Straight-jacket madness! Stumbling, mad dog foaming at the mouth madness! Get out, leave me alone, screams! I reach for the drill! Out! Get Out! Fall to floor, bleeding. blissful, silence................

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Void















Mind blank as a freshly erased chalk board. I am surrounded by the emptiness, engulfed by all that is nothing, lost somewhere between here and there. There's no words, no thoughts, there's nothing but the void, but I am OK!

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Who Needs Prince Charming





















I guess we all need a good cry sometimes or at least feel like we do. That was me, that was the other day. I can't explain, I can't put my finger on just one thing causing the waters to rise but they were just under the surface. My day had clouded over, there was no light, no warmth, the walls were closing in tighter and tighter. On the inside I was drowning in tears, but no one knew, I never let on, I simply pulled out the mask with the frozen smile and carried on. I wish I could say my Prince Charming rode in and saved the day, but alas, his GPS must still be broken, he has yet to ride in and carry me off into the sunset. But who needs a Prince Charming, I have you, my friends, my blogging family. Thank you for always being there..................

Sunday, September 07, 2008

"Houston" We have a Problem!



















I know this is more information than you asked for or in fact needed to know but I'd swear on my mother's grave someone had slipped me one of those little blue pills. You know the kind I'm talking about (if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours seek medical attention) pills! I was home alone and the only warm spot in bed was occupied by me, so this wasn't the case. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit and it is not unusual to wake up with one of those I-can-feel-my-heart-beating and the throbbing is not in my chest cavity problems, but most mornings I'm in such a rush where a morning piss and cold shower has to suffice. But this morning there was no rush and sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do. I will spare you the sordid details of how I went about curing the problem but something got short-circuited this morning. "Houston" would have been proud, the blast-off was a great one, but there is a slight problem, the rocket is still standing! No matter, I thought, a little more priming, another missile launch and the problem would resolve itself, after all it had been quite a while since I'd had the time for any kind of rocket launching. But, now it is mid-morning, I've launched the rocket four times already, and I beginning to wonder how many cold showers can one man take...........

Friday, September 05, 2008

I'm Getting Dizzy




















How could this day get any worst, I thought, as I stood in the middle of the room turning around in circles trying to think of what it was I was doing before being interrupted for the millionth time. The tightening fingers of the quick sand held me within its grasp and I was slowing sinking lower and lower. Stephen, I need you. Stephen, can you help me? Stephen, this phone call is for you. Stephen, Stephen, Stephen...................

The hands on the clock was not ticking away fast enough for this day to end.

I'll be right there . . . What is it I can help you with . .
. Hello, this is Stephen. . .

The rest of you........get in line, take a number, I'll call you when it is your turn.


I am so looking forward to the weekend..................

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Cold As The Olympic Torch















"But I'm dying, can't you see, can't you feel it, without me there is only existence, there is no life!
If I die, you die." Please, I want to live....................

Words from an earlier post that keep ringing like an incessant ringing phone. Over and over I hear them, words burnt into the retina, I see them.
Their flame is as cold as the Olympic Torch, a rusty knob denies the life sustaining gas needed for them to live, but somehow buried under all the ash the embers are still warm, they fight for life, they refuse to go out. I ask myself, who am I to deny them their chance at life, I am not God. Nothing but a man, with desires denied, I am. A conflicted man looking for balance.............

Thursday, August 28, 2008

Why?





















I'm doing something I've never done. I'm erasing a post. I wish I could erase the whole day the post was about, but I can't. Things happen for a reason, sometimes we don't understand them and sometimes it is hard to accept them, but we must, if we are to survive another day. I usually don't talk about work and the things that go on and after having some time I realized I had done just that. We all have bad days, we deal with them, we go on.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

The Waters Recede

Dove

After days of rain, and the likely possibility of another flood, the dove has returned with an olive branch and faith has been restored that we will again have dry land. Well maybe not, according to the Weather Channel looks like the "bitch" is circling around creating another low front and will be coming toward us from the other side, nothing major, just more rain. This past weekend was rainy, high winds, nasty, nasty weather, everything is wet, soggy, messy, but we actually were the lucky ones. We caught the band of winds and rain from Tropical Storm Fay only once, whereas, some felt her fury again and again as she criss-crossed across the State of Florida causing major flooding and loss of life. I've got the day off and while it is not raining, I need to get out and pick up some of the branches blown down, but I wanted to say thanks for the comments and for caring. Hugs from the heart..............

Saturday, August 23, 2008

Wet and Dreary

Photobucket

I went to bed last night listening to the pounding rain against the windowpane and the swirling of Fay's howling winds only to wake up to the same sound this morning.

Forecast for the weekend: Wet and Dreary

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

I Want To Live........












"Let Me Out!"

"NO!" You know I can't. We've been through this before. You know you're in there for a reason. "Quit asking!"

"Please, I promise to be good this time."

That's what you said last time, and you remember what happened then, don't you?

"You know it wasn't my fault, it just happened. Besides, you were with me, so you're just as much to blame as I was. Now let me out!"

Like I had a choice, you dragged me along protesting, kicking and screaming, but would you listen, NO! You had to go through with it and you see what happened. It's better you stay in there, we're both safer this way.

"But I'm dying, can't you see, can't you feel it, without me there is only existence, there is no life! If I die, you die." Please, I want to live....................

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Jay Brannan



Artist: Jay Brannan
Song: Housewife
Bio: www.jaybrannan.com/page2.html

Have you heard of Jay Brannan? I had not, until I came across him this week while blog hopping (can't remember which blog, sorry) so I had to google him. Take a listen and see if you like him, as much as I do.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympics
















Adrenalin pumped, muscle straining, record breaking, fist pumping, another gold medal win excitement. Sitting on edge, heart pounding, blood rushing, then a fall from the balance beam, a stumble, another fall on the floor exercise, a foot out of bounds, the chin quivers, a tear falls, gold medal disappointment. My eyes are blood shot, my body's tired, its been almost midnight or later each night before I can tear my eyes away, I can't get enough, I'm addicted.

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

Even Grown Men Cry





















I know, I've always been the strong one, the anchor in the raging storm. My arms have held you, protected you, but today I need someone to hold me. I need to feel protected, I need to feel the warmth, the safety of someone's arms around me. I need an anchor.............

Saturday, August 02, 2008

A Bleeding Heart














Today's story is from the pages of a book, covered in dust, hidden away in the archives of Stephen's library. Hidden amongst other books covered in cobwebs, it is a book not often shared or even read by its author. It doesn't make for a good bedtime story nor would it ever make the Bestsellers list, but if your interest has been peaked, sit back, get comfortable, while I rummage through the pages. Ages ago, way, way back almost to the beginning of time when man first began to walk upright is where the story begins. Well, OK, maybe not that far back, but some days my old bones feel as if they were around when the dinosaurs roamed the land, when creatures other than man ruled the world but for the sake of time let's fast forward a few years. The once crisp white pages have now aged, yellowed, the ink faded with the passing of time, some passages barely illegible, somewhat like a memory, bits remembered, bits forgotten. Thumbing through the pages, eyes briefly, quickly reading a few of the faded words as page after page falls upon one another, one passage catches my eye. I stop, I read the words, so long ago written. How could it be? I had forgotten all about this, somehow, somewhere, all that was, was lost in the blackness of forgetfulness. A chill runs down the spine and I shutter to think, wonder, is this what happens? Is it this easy to forget, to put aside hopes and dreams, to allow them to wither away, to die with the passing of time..............

Someday, I will listen to my heart, I will hear more than its beating, I will follow where it leads me. I promise, someday, I will live for me. What has happened, has happened, I can't change it, this I must realize, accept. I did what was expected, I did the right thing, but now I know they were your expectations, what was right for you. I do not place blame, no fault do I lay at your feet. You did, we did this together, certain things were not discussed, certain things were just not accepted. The footsteps in the sand were yours and I walked in them as a young boy, but now this man must make his own and I must remember as this man, I must allow the next young boy to make his own footprints in the sand. I will take his hand, he will walk beside me, this I promise. I pray, his footsteps will be led by his heart, not by his mind. I promise, the same mistakes will not be made. But for now, I will walk in your footsteps, I will do the right thing, I will listen only to the beats of a bleeding heart, but one day...........I promise, I will live for Stephen.

Book in hand, I pause, I sit there..................

The silence is interrupted only by the beating sound of a bleeding heart............