Time Out

It would have been so much easier if God had sent me to the corner as my punishment instead of my own self-imposed condemnation for being who I am.  God forgives far more readily than I. To forgive oneself is something of a struggle for me - a forgiving heart for the world but not for myself; how can that be? You will never know how many times I re-read each of the comments left on the last post explaining my absence and how much they each meant to me. I thank you a million times over for the words of wisdom, insight, comfort I took from each of you. Thank you for being the light at the end of tunnel. I wish I could say acceptance of self has been completely turned over to God, but I can't. It will forever be a struggle I'm sure, but for now, for today, I accept me for me,,,

Thanks, Love, and Explanation

First let me say thank-you for the comments and when I say thank you it comes from a heart full of love for each of you, my blogging friends and family.  We have never met, we will probably never get to meet in person but you have become a part of my life and I am so very blessed for it.

There is some topics I never try to talk about on here for one reason or the other; politics and religion being at the top of the list. However, I'm breaking my own rule to give you an explanation of the post: Struggling and my absence for the past few weeks.

Growing up in the Bible Belt and having feelings for the boy down the road can be a very difficult and lonely experience. It was something you never talked about, in reality there was no one to really talk about it with, you just remained in the closet and lived a lie.

Being raised in a traditional Christian home, daily prayers of blessings and forgiveness, church on Sunday, church on Wednesday, and God forbid you ever missed a night of revival. Hell and Damnation would befall you and I guess even after all these years I have not fully escaped the "Hell and Damnation" preached in the Scriptures about being gay. The following is a portion of a post many years ago shared that will give some of you more insight:

For days nothing else entered my mind, there was no room for nothing else, I was replaying everything about that night. My mind was on constant rewind, searching every frame, looking for answers, but finding none. I secluded myself away from everyone, in the family, in fear they would know by just looking into my face what "I" had done. Looking in the mirror I was afraid, I would see on my forehead the letter "A" branded for all the world to see. In my mind it was of little consequence nothing visibly could be seen, inside, I was wearing my "Scarlet Letter," I had sex with a married man. A man that knew my family, he went to my church, sat across the aisle from us Sunday after Sunday with his family. The very hands that caressed my face, the hands that held my teenage cock, the hands that touched every part of my body were the same hands, that shook my Father's hands after Sunday service. I could not escape it, I would be doomed to Hell for what I had done. Up until this night I had led myself to believe my virginity had been lost to the boy that lived down the road, I soon found out I was still a naïve teenager.

Believe me if anyone knows what the Bible says about the road to salvation, acceptance of Jesus Christ as one's personal savior,  eternal life, repenting of sins (never to be revisited), God's Gift of Grace, it is me.  Faith is one of my cornerstones in life but it is a struggle between knowing and believing and following.  So many religions believe the following:

Can you be a Gay Christian? If the phrase “gay Christian” refers to a person who struggles against homosexual desires and temptations – yes, a “gay Christian” is possible. However, the description “gay Christian” is not accurate for such a person, since he/she does not desire to be gay, and is struggling against the temptations. Such a person is not a “gay Christian,” but rather is simply a struggling Christian, just as there are Christians who struggle with fornication, lying, and stealing. If the phrase “gay Christian” refers to a person who actively, perpetually, and unrepentantly lives a homosexual lifestyle – no, it is not possible for such a person to truly be a Christian.

So I can be gay, be saved, have eternal life as long as I don't have sex.....

Struggling

Sorry, but there is no Tuesday Teaser this week! I've had to pull the stone mask out of storage to make it through some really rough days.  Life has been a struggle and I'm navigating in deep water. Don't get the wrong idea, Stephen is not suicidal or anything so don't worry about that but my self imposed demons have reared themselves out of the darkness.  As always, I allow no one to enter very deep into my world so no one knows what is going on. Everyone is only allowed to see certain sides of the faceted diamond. To the outward world Stephen's life is perfect. I usually can compartmentalize the many sides of Stephen but somehow the compartments aren't  as tidy as I normally keep them. Usually, everything is in its place, neatly tucked away and I can rely on the stability of each compartment but something has gone wrong. I have begun to question things that I've always known to be true, accepted, and/or made peace with. We can hide a lot of things from family and friends, heck we can hide things even from ourselves to a certain extent by never allowing the hidden truth to surface but God sees everything....

Tuesday Teaser

This picture selection made me think of a much earlier time when things were simpler. Things moved at a much slower pace than they do today. There were no worries nor expectations nothing mattered except summer days and skinny dipping. I remember a group of us boys, cousins and a few of the neighboring boys loved going swimming. None of us ever thought about a swim suit, heck most of us didn't even own one, it was just bare-ass naked fun.  

Did I Do The Right Thing?

Instead of a one night stand I think I turned down a one day stand...

Let me get to the point of the matter, yesterday I had a repairman scheduled  to take care of  a broken appliance.

Luckily, it was still under warranty, but here's the down side of the problem I just couldn't call a local repairman it had to be someone that handled warranty problems. This meant He, the repairman, would be coming out of South Carolina, hours away, to fix the problem. How cost effective could this be for them? But, not my worry right? He, the repairman was scheduled to arrive somewhere between 10am and 4pm. OK there goes my off day! I waited, waited, and waited knowing full well it was to be between 10am and 4pm and it was only 11am, but one of my flaws in life is having to wait on anyone when I'm ready to go or get it over with. At 1:30 pm the truck pulls up, the guy gets out, puts out the little orange cones at the front and back of his van, opens the back of the van, gets out a tool pouch attaches it around his waist and a clipboard and heads to the door. I'm watching all this from the camera monitor inside and open the door before he has a chance at ringing the bell. We make the customary exchange, shake hands, and he follows me inside. We make idle chit chat; how was his drive, the approaching summer, all as he goes about his business checking things out. I'm standing there looking over his shoulder as if I was a repairman trainee, knowing full well, I probably was getting on his nerves by micromanaging.

However, curiosity is another one of my flaws, what is broken, why is it broken, does it happen often with this make and model and so on?  A recall part, he says. Well, why didn't I get a notification, oh, just waiting to see how many breaks, huh? To replace the recall part took all of thirty minutes from start to finish.  His total travel time around 6 hours, still hard to fathom the economic side of this.

Matt, the repairman, was OK with this, he got paid by the hour, enjoyed driving, and didn't have to wear a required uniform which was a good thing according to him. Matt was 35-40 if I had to guess, came wearing a pair of cargo shorts which showed his muscular hairy legs - nicely tanned, nice hairy legs, needed mentioning again, a tattoo stamped on his right leg between his ankle and calf, a pullover shirt, sported a baseball cap and a short goatee with a touch of grey. Yes, I was very observant. And, yes I was also glad he didn't have to wear a required uniform.

Here is where it gets interesting.

Remember, my radar hasn't been calibrated in a long while but I got the feeling there was something else on Matt's mind.  After the job he came sat down and we continue to chat about nothing as he filled out the paperwork and had me sign it. Then came this question, are there anything else you need me to help you with, he said. Anything at all? To say I wasn't caught off guard would be an under-statement and I could have easily read something into this, but before I could gather my wits and respond, he asked if he could use the restroom. Sure, it's through the door, down the hall first door to the right is all I said.   Matt walks down the hall and Dumb Dora is standing there contemplating should I or should I not make the next move.  In just a minute, Matt returns and I promise you the cargo pants are a little tighter in the front as he returns and says, well if you don't have any laundry you need help with, I'll be on my way. Well, what does Dumb Dora say --- I guess not but thank- you for fixing the dishwasher and have a safe drive back home!

Tuesday Teaser

When I came across today's selection I couldn't resist. I love a guy wearing a hat. Of course, it showed a lot more and it really was the lot more that caught my eye first but I had to remind myself the post was about hats and not ----. So sorry about cropping out the good stuff. I guess it's from growing up in the South and all the hot, hot summers we have but a lot of guys wear hats. If I'm not at work, I'm usually wearing a hat. No fixing hair, throw some clothes on, slap a hat on it and out the door.

Looking Up

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be. Anne Frank

I wasn't afraid, lonely, nor was I unhappy but today called for being outside. I had the day off and some free day on my hands, so why not. I grabbed a bottle of water and headed out. The weather was perfect, cell phone was left in the truck, it was nothing but me and mother nature's wonders. I grew up in these woods and there is so many wonderful hidden little gems of solitude along the way. Lying down looking up toward God and the heavens is just what I needed today...it is as it should be.