Looking Out From a Southern Closet

Is It TIme?

2011-06-19T15:07:00.000-07:00

You gave me breath, a heartbeat, you gave me life. You, my creator, my lover, came to me sometimes in the early morning, sometimes in the brightness of the midday, there were even times when you came to me in the dead of night. I always welcomed the touch of your fingers on the keyboard, through your words I lived.

I cannot allow myself to believe what I fear the most. The thoughts beat at the door of my weakening heartbeat, that perhaps I will soon be no longer. Like a patient lying on his deathbed I survive only by the wires connecting me. I tremble, fearing my heartbeat will soon be flat-lined from the pulling of the plug. Much like the dying patient I have no voice, my life is in your hands. Days pass, your touch, cannot be felt, your words do not come, you deny me breath, you deny me life, my heart weakens. I'm scared I will soon be nothing but the darkness from which I came.

Poor Aching Feet

2011-05-11T17:04:00.000-07:00

A Frosted Glass and Cold Beer

2011-04-25T19:59:00.000-07:00

I've had quite a day. Heck, I've had quite a few of these days since my last post. Going in early, staying late, putting out fire after fire makes for a very tired Stephen. I know it could be worst but for the life of me I humanly don't know how. But I'm sure a few of these will make it all better. . .

Ever Feel Like....

2011-04-15T12:05:00.000-07:00

Ever feel like life is passing you by? This feeling has haunted me, shadowed me like a bad dream. I can't shake it for some reason. Last night's dreams were even darker and more dangerous than usual. High cliffs, jagged rocks, black water beckoning, falling, screaming. . .

I wonder.

If you die in a dream do you die in your sleep?

Peeling Away The Layers

2011-04-10T05:19:00.000-07:00

One layer piled upon the next layer,
Covered up, hidden.
Already knowing my answer. . .

What about you?

If you peeled all the layers away and stood there naked, would you like what you see?

Tuesday Teaser

2011-04-05T10:26:00.000-07:00

What one chooses to reveal, what one chooses to remain hidden is sometimes just enough, don't you think?

Secret Room

2011-04-03T14:06:00.000-07:00

Ur-Spo over @ Spo-Reflections wrote a wonderful post Entitled: Spo-Reflections on the Private Self. Excellent post please stop by and read it. Here is an excerpt: Believe it or not, my Private Self remains large despite five years of blogging. There are topics I have never shared here. I hope this is done not out of ‘fear’ but out of the need – and respect – for a Private Self.

How this post touched and tugged and pulled at me can not be expressed here, in words but I will try to give you insight. I have lived my entire life with a secret room and within that room buried away in the darkness are secrets never shared. A room locked, a key never shared with anyone. My Private Self Room. This has been my life, my world for so long. Yes, if you have been around since the beginning you know bits and pieces of Stephens life, but not even here can I reveal Stephen. Not even here can I open the secret room and allow all the cobwebs to be dusted away. Sitting here, staring off into space, searching within, I realize my secret room was created to keep me safe (sane) and now it is maintained for the stability of others. Yes, I know, others may say that’s not being true to self but all things in life isn’t fair. We cope, we adapt, we survive, Stephen survives and fights the insanity of keeping things private.

How I envy those of you who have wide open rooms with all the lamps turned on. . .

No Matter What

2011-04-02T10:04:00.000-07:00

No matter what...
In my arms you are safe.

Old Friends

2011-03-20T15:24:00.001-07:00

Friends are like stars even when you can't see them they're still there.....or are they?

We once walked hand in hand but many of us now find ourselves walking along different paths in life. I hope all is well with you and your dreams have all come true. Know you are missed and still so very much loved.

Until our paths cross again......

St. Patrick's Day

2011-03-17T08:08:00.000-07:00

MAY THE LUCK OF THE IRISH BE WITH YOU....

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

Broken

2011-02-14T16:04:00.000-08:00

Broken... Barely Holding On... I Am Down, but I'll Get Up Again...

Haunting Dream

2010-12-05T08:36:00.001-08:00

Death took you away, memories keep you alive, dreams allow you to visit. I can see you, touch you, hold you in my arms. Warm tears I feel upon my shoulder as I cradle you in my arms. I'm here, I'll never let you go, I'll never forget you. . . It's OK. I just need to know you are.

Please God, give me peace to know he's OK...

I Can Dream, Can't I?

2010-10-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

Spank My Ass

2010-04-24T11:23:00.001-07:00

Spank my ass! I've been a bad, bad blogger. Its been entirely too long since we've talked, I know. I got off the interstate looking for answers and ended up on a dead end road. Don't take that EXIT! There's been nothing worth writing about but here recently an old friend has come back into my life. We had not talked in almost ten years having lost emails, moving, changing of phones numbers but I came across an anonymous ad he placed on Craigslist of all places looking for a missed connection. Of course, I had to answer it and since then we've talked/emailed almost daily. Don't know if things will go further due to distance but it has brought some excitement back into this overworked dull life of Stephen. Wish me luck.....

Answers

2009-10-12T15:01:00.000-07:00

Coming Soon......

Questions?

2009-10-10T15:50:00.000-07:00

Is it the fear of the unknown that made my hand tremble when I reached for you? Is it the knowing what I had on this side of you? The times my hand rested but never turned, why? Never taking the chance, never knowing what could have been, what have I missed? Have I waited too long? Is it too late?

Boys and Their Balls

2009-08-31T15:32:00.000-07:00

Does anyone love the grunts and groans of the boys as they slug their balls back and forth as much as I do? The US Open starts today! Want to come over and watch?

I Need To Be Bad....

2009-08-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

I've turned over every rock and boulder searching for it, but for the life of me can't remember where I put it. I usually don't misplace things, everything has a place and everything is in its place, but not this time. I've looked high and low, but still no luck in finding it. I haven't used it in a long time. Heck, I haven't had the time to even look at it, but I thought it would always be there patiently waiting. After looking and searching I'm afraid I may have took it for granted one time too many. Is it too late? Please God, it can't be too late, I can't stay stuck in this rut for much longer. I've got to find the "BAD BOY" side of Stephen soon......

I'm Still Alive

2009-08-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

It has been quiet as a graveyard around here for way too long and I know I've been forgotten and buried by many readers and that is understandable, but I am alive. Forgive me for not updating but I allowed myself to fall victim, void of caring, void of feeling and when that happens there is nothing worth sharing. Somehow my life took a unexpected detour and I got lost. I've thought about you often and hope to catch up with you all again very soon.

(((((HUGS))))

How Did It Happen?

2009-04-21T13:09:00.000-07:00

If there is anyone out there that still cares or wonders, things are about the same. I am still lost, stumbling around in the darkness, lost in the fog of too much work. My life is clearly going down the toilet and I don't know how to get it back. Why did I allow this to happen?

Screams And Static

2009-03-21T11:22:00.000-07:00

I'm still here . . . still trapped on the other side . . . my screams slowly fading into static . . . .

Waiting, Knowing, Expecting

2009-02-24T10:04:00.000-08:00

Head tilted back, arms out stretched, faster and faster . . . spinning round, turning round, falling down dizzy . . . rolling down hill, arm over arm, leg over leg . . . waiting, knowing, expecting the THUMP!

Just My Luck

2009-02-05T11:29:00.000-08:00

What have I gotten myself into? How did I allow this to happen? Questions I'm still asking myself. Mama didn't raise no fool, but when I look into the mirror, I see one staring back at me. I worked hour after hour, gave up pleasure after pleasure to make sure the project was a success and thought once I had it completed and presented I could capture the life I once knew, once had, but NOOOOOOOOOO! Believe it or not, there is such a thing as doing too good of a job. Just my luck, the project was a major success, the presentation was a major success, and the bonus I received more than compensated for the long hours, but if I knew then what I know now, I would have given it second thoughts. I never thought for one minute this project would turn into a major life change. The life I once knew, had is gone. I use to work some long hours but only a day here, a day there, actually had more days off than on, but because of the "job well done" I've been asked to step back into a working/teaching position which will involve seven days a week for the next several months. Why me? Why can't I say, NOOOOOOOOO! Go ahead, take a magic marker and write FOOL across my forehead.................I deserve it!

Update

2009-01-25T06:42:00.000-08:00

The tunnel was long but I have finally made it to the end, or close enough to at least see the light. The project is finished, presentation isn't officially until tomorrow, but it has already been signed off on, and the presentation is only a formality. There were some dark days, extremely long days, some I almost gave up days, but I hung in, I refused to throw in the towel. Now, maybe I can get my life back to some normalcy, if there is such a thing. Heart-felt thanks to each of you that stopped by, thanks to each of you that sent loving, caring emails. I will always hold your friendship inside a cherished place, my heart, and with each of its beats, I will always be reminded of you. Hopefully soon, I will be getting around to saying hello to all my blogging family, but until then, I think I will enjoy the rest of today, the world, outside. ((((HUGS))))

Sending Out A SOS......

2008-12-09T11:04:00.001-08:00

I'm sorry, truly, sincerely, honest I am. Please forgive me for not visiting, I miss you all dearly. I've been saddled with a new project and I am bogged down up to my you-know-what and there doesn't seem to be enough hours in the day or days in the week to get everything accomplished. I've been given a strict deadline and I will meet it or die trying, not because of the consequences but because I love a challenge and I will prove it can be done to those not willing to take it on. When you talk to the BIG GUY up stairs say a little prayer for me, I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Someone to Love

2008-11-29T13:58:00.000-08:00

Is it too much to ask for?

Orgasmic Shower

2008-11-22T06:54:00.000-08:00

It was hard nipple cold this morning...........time to warm up with a hot shower.

Shock and Awe

2008-11-18T14:55:00.000-08:00

I know I have impeccable hygiene, heck, I shower twice a day, whether I need it or not and rarely do I leave home without a fine mist of cologne but something tells me it was neither the body wash or the cologne. When a complete stranger walks up to you and whispers, "You smell so good, you need to have sex with me." What do you say?

I'm Tired of the Rain

2008-11-15T14:04:00.001-08:00

Someone needs to call the plumber, God's toilet is overflowing........

Feeling Better

2008-11-11T11:40:00.000-08:00

Thank-you for all the rainbows you sent me, I'm feeling so much better......your emails and comments were better than any Doctor prescribed medicine........

Cold, Wet, and Shivering

2008-11-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

It all began as an overcast day, a dampness hung in the air, a fine mist, but without any wetness, if you know what I mean. Certainly not a good day to be outside, but none the less, that's where I ended up, outside. Some free time, away from work, away from home, away from everything and everybody was just what the Doctor ordered and who was I to argue. I stopped the truck, stepped out, heard the click of the locking door as I walked away, never once looking back. The first warning should have been the shiver that ran up my spine, but it wasn't. Even the dark, grey clouds that circled and swirled overhead was ignored. I walked and walked thinking about everything while thinking about nothing. Well, needless to say, the dampness in the air got thicker and heavier, the swirling clouds turned the mist into rain and I got soaked! Too far from the truck to make a mad dash, I hunkered down under an oak tree, its limbs giving me some protection during the heaviest of the downpour, but I still got soaked to the bone. It wasn't cold, but I guess with the slight drop in temp and along with being drenched, I couldn't shake the chill that had set in. Cold, wet, and shivering I sat there until the worst had passed then I retraced my steps, back to the truck and the welcoming sound as the door lock clicked open. The truck's dryness, its warmth cradled me, but when the truck's heater failed to warm the chill away, I knew I was in trouble. When I heard that little nagging voice whisper, "Don't let it be said, I didn't try and warn you. Far be it from me to say, I told you so." I knew I was in for trouble, I should have listened, but I didn't and there's no one else to blame. It's my fault, all mine. In the back of my mind, I saw the flashing red lights, that nagging voice in the back of my head whispered warnings of danger, but I didn't listen. Did Will Robinson ever heed the "Robot's" cry of danger ahead? NO! And like Will, I am suffering the consequences of my stubbornness along with plenty of reminders: chills, fever, hacking dry cough, rattling in the chest, wheezing, sneezing, watery eyes, sore throat........................

Wandering in the Desert

2008-11-05T07:07:00.000-08:00

Aimlessly wandering...............

Wondering if I will ever find my way through the desert.

Compromise

2008-11-01T10:22:00.000-07:00

The struggles, the battles, the wars, too many to recall. Way to many what ifs or should have beens to worry about, what is done is done, there is no going back, there is no do-overs. If I am to survive, there must be a compromise...

Happy Halloween

2008-10-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

Trick or Treat?

Three Faces of Stephen (Conclusion)

2008-10-27T04:58:00.000-07:00

I knew it! I knew he was going to be pissed. I knew there would be hell to pay, but I couldn't resist. I tried! I really did. Well, on second thought, maybe I didn't. Maybe I did flirt a little too much, but I'm tired of listening to him. I'm tired of hiding inside this cramped dark closet. I'm tired of living this celibate life. I'm tried of living in his shadow, hidden away in his darkness. I want to feel again, to live again, I want to know what love feels like again. And if I leave it up to the two of you, well, we all know what will happen and I'm not ready to accept that fate. So here is your warning, if I get the chance, I'm kicking the damn door off its hinges.

Listen at you! Going to kick the damn door down, huh? What makes you think you can do it now after all these years? The two of you are giving me a migraine, sit down, shut up, and listen. If its not him ranting and raving, then its you ranting and raving. Give it a break! Take a deep breath, calm down, and think about this thing. My life is no picnic here, let me tell you. Day after day, I sit here, I watch the battle, the struggles, with needle and thread I stitch up the bloody wounds each of you inflict on one another. It's hard, I know its hard, both of you are strong in your convictions, determined to fight until the end, neither one willing to give an inch, but something's got to give. The battles are getting bloodier and frankly Florence Nightingale is getting tired. The two of you must find a compromise, we are in this thing together, and whether you like it or not we are stuck with each other....................

The Three Faces of Stephen

2008-10-25T04:15:00.000-07:00

There's too many of us living here and I think it is time, one if not both of you move out. I'm sorry but the living arrangements, well, they're just not working anymore. I've tried to be accommodating, I've tried to understand, but your antics is getting out of hand. Take for instance, the other day, you, yes you, your antics almost blew our cover. Oh! Don't act so innocent now, you know what you did, you couldn't take your eyes off him, it was obvious to me, to him, and the co-worker we were having lunch with, what you were doing. Flirting with another man, in broad open daylight, in a public place, no less. What were you thinking? What am I going to do with you, you're getting out of control. And you, yes you, I've always been able to count on you for the balance between us. You've always kept things under control never allowing "him" to upset the harmonious relationship between the three of us, but you let me down. It was obvious, guys, our cover was almost blown, I can not tolerate that kind of behavior anymore. I just can't, I won't................I want you out!

to be continued......................................

Crusoe

2008-10-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

If I could be this man's Friday pluck me from civilization and shipwreck me today...........

Philip Winchester stars as the optimistic and resourceful Robinson Crusoe in NBC’s new show "Crusoe." Friday's 9/8c

Sincere Thanks

2008-10-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

When I've been too tired to stand alone, too weary to carry the burdens. When I've almost given up you have cradled me in your arms, surrounded me with your love, protected me not only from the world, but from myself. Your love, your kindness gives me hope, gives me strength, gives me a reason to believe again.

Thank-you for being my guardian angels..........

Wanted: Experienced Safecracker

2008-10-13T05:07:00.000-07:00

Turn to the right three times stop on 27, back counter-clock wise two turns stop on 39, back again to the right, stop on 3, turn handle to open...........

Simple instructions, but obviously the wrong combination, the safe is still locked. Once again, to the right, back to the left, right again stopping on 3, crank the handle, still nothing, the safe is still locked, its job of safekeeping still intact. Angrily, I twist the dial hard. Why, for what, I know it isn't going to make it open, but for a millisecond the anger is dissipated. The tumblers inside the lock still turn with ease and with the right combination of turns and twist and numbers will fall one after the other in sequence, each one relinquishing its hold of what was entrusted and the door will open..... my heart will be free to love again.

Forbidden Fruit

2008-10-11T15:39:00.000-07:00

Like Adam, I know there will be consequences, but I am a man with temptations and the forbidden fruit's firm, juicy flesh is getting harder to resist..............

I've Been Robbed!

2008-10-10T07:07:00.000-07:00

Where did they go? All of them, every last single one of them has disappeared! Like a thief in the night looted and gone, they are. I've been robbed! I know I should have updated, switched over, changed hosting sites for my links, but I never got around to doing it and now look where it's gotten me. Nothing! I guess this tells me something, I guess I should be reading between my own lines more, shouldn't I? A lesson learned, it could be. Never put things off!

Diligent as a beaver building his dam back after a flash flood, I will work on adding everyone back, but if I miss you, please leave me a comment or send me an email.

Jock Itch of a Different Nature

2008-10-08T16:06:00.000-07:00

I have an itch that needs to be scratched.......... A fear that I might like it.............

Into The Light

2008-10-06T08:47:00.000-07:00

I hear voices telling me to go into light............

Walls Come Tumbling Down

2008-10-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

How long had it been? I couldn't remember, but heck it's kind of like riding a bike. Years between rides, flat tires, rusted chains, none of it matters, once you've done it a time or two, it is something you never forget how to do. So I thought, what did I have to lose, absolutely nothing. I took a deep breath and sank to my knees. I admit, I was a little wobbly, a little rusty but this was something I needed to do. The desire was so strong I couldn't back out, I wanted it so bad, I could almost taste it, without ever parting my lips. I was nervous, my hands shook, and briefly I thought about getting up, about walking away, forgetting it all together, but it had been so long and I so needed to do this. I closed my eyes, another deep breath, and I started! Dear God, forgive me, I know I have sinned! I know I am not worthy but if you are still answering prayer, please, if you see fit answer one for me. The crispness of the air filled my lungs and the cool breeze touched my face like the gentle hands of a lover this morning on my way to work and I just can't survive another day locked away inside. Please God, give me the strength of Samson, lead me to the pillars of stone, help me Lord, to bring down the walls, let them tumble at the feet of my captors. I am suffocating, stuck inside these walls, please set me free. I need to be outside, I need to feel, to breath the freshness of Fall! I need to run naked through the falling leaves..... well, maybe not naked, but none the less, I need to be outside, damn it! Amen.

OK, I did it. Stephen slowly gets up, sits down at his desk and goes back to work.

Update: Guess what? God does answer prayers, at least, sometimes. I finished up at work earlier than expected so I headed home, changed, put on some hiking shoes and spent some of the afternoon hiking, no interruptions, no distractions, just me and the fresh Autumn air...

Jekyll and Hyde

2008-09-26T07:25:00.000-07:00

It is getting harder and harder, I'm afraid my control over is him is at hand. I have tried, I've resisted, but his desires, his urges are growing stronger, his will to live growing stronger. My efforts appear to be in vain, my will, my control weakening. I write this down, in fear, that if he wins, I will be no more..........the man.........you know will be no more. In the shadows of me he survived, but I fear I will not, if the roles are reversed.

Dr. Henry Jekyll (aka Stephen)

I Need to Drink Until I Get Drunk

2008-09-21T15:55:00.000-07:00

There's no other place for me than here, now, in your arms. I thirst for you even when my glass is full, hold me, let me drink you in. When I am in your arms, I am safe. Your touch warms away the coldness of this life, I shiver no more. When I am in your arms, I am complete.

I Hear Voices

2008-09-20T11:13:00.000-07:00

Whispering, muffled voices, driving me mad, insane! Straight-jacket madness! Stumbling, mad dog foaming at the mouth madness! Get out, leave me alone, screams! I reach for the drill! Out! Get Out! Fall to floor, bleeding. blissful, silence................

The Void

2008-09-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

Mind blank as a freshly erased chalk board. I am surrounded by the emptiness, engulfed by all that is nothing, lost somewhere between here and there. There's no words, no thoughts, there's nothing but the void, but I am OK!

Who Needs Prince Charming

2008-09-14T04:09:00.000-07:00

I guess we all need a good cry sometimes or at least feel like we do. That was me, that was the other day. I can't explain, I can't put my finger on just one thing causing the waters to rise but they were just under the surface. My day had clouded over, there was no light, no warmth, the walls were closing in tighter and tighter. On the inside I was drowning in tears, but no one knew, I never let on, I simply pulled out the mask with the frozen smile and carried on. I wish I could say my Prince Charming rode in and saved the day, but alas, his GPS must still be broken, he has yet to ride in and carry me off into the sunset. But who needs a Prince Charming, I have you, my friends, my blogging family. Thank you for always being there..................

Run For Higher Ground

2008-09-11T15:00:00.000-07:00

They are there, hiding, just under the surface, lying in ambush, waiting. I can fill them welling up inside me, waiting for just the right moment. I fight to hold them back. I struggle against even the little things that would release them, knowing if only one escapes there will be no holding the hundreds that will follow. I am down to my last swallow of stop leak and I fear it is not enough. I fear the dam is going to break at any minute. The sirens are screaming inside my head. Run for higher ground while you still can..................

Please let tomorrow be a better day....................

"Houston" We have a Problem!

2008-09-07T11:00:00.000-07:00

I know this is more information than you asked for or in fact needed to know but I'd swear on my mother's grave someone had slipped me one of those little blue pills. You know the kind I'm talking about (if you experience an erection lasting more than four hours seek medical attention) pills! I was home alone and the only warm spot in bed was occupied by me, so this wasn't the case. In fact, I'm not ashamed to admit and it is not unusual to wake up with one of those I-can-feel-my-heart-beating and the throbbing is not in my chest cavity problems, but most mornings I'm in such a rush where a morning piss and cold shower has to suffice. But this morning there was no rush and sometimes a man has to do what a man has to do. I will spare you the sordid details of how I went about curing the problem but something got short-circuited this morning. "Houston" would have been proud, the blast-off was a great one, but there is a slight problem, the rocket is still standing! No matter, I thought, a little more priming, another missile launch and the problem would resolve itself, after all it had been quite a while since I'd had the time for any kind of rocket launching. But, now it is mid-morning, I've launched the rocket four times already, and I beginning to wonder how many cold showers can one man take...........

I'm Getting Dizzy

2008-09-05T16:56:00.000-07:00

How could this day get any worst, I thought, as I stood in the middle of the room turning around in circles trying to think of what it was I was doing before being interrupted for the millionth time. The tightening fingers of the quick sand held me within its grasp and I was slowing sinking lower and lower. Stephen, I need you. Stephen, can you help me? Stephen, this phone call is for you. Stephen, Stephen, Stephen...................

The hands on the clock was not ticking away fast enough for this day to end.

I'll be right there . . . What is it I can help you with . . . Hello, this is Stephen. . .

The rest of you........get in line, take a number, I'll call you when it is your turn.

I am so looking forward to the weekend..................

Cold As The Olympic Torch

2008-09-02T10:16:00.000-07:00

"But I'm dying, can't you see, can't you feel it, without me there is only existence, there is no life! If I die, you die." Please, I want to live....................

Words from an earlier post that keep ringing like an incessant ringing phone. Over and over I hear them, words burnt into the retina, I see them. Their flame is as cold as the Olympic Torch, a rusty knob denies the life sustaining gas needed for them to live, but somehow buried under all the ash the embers are still warm, they fight for life, they refuse to go out. I ask myself, who am I to deny them their chance at life, I am not God. Nothing but a man, with desires denied, I am. A conflicted man looking for balance.............

Why?

2008-08-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

I'm doing something I've never done. I'm erasing a post. I wish I could erase the whole day the post was about, but I can't. Things happen for a reason, sometimes we don't understand them and sometimes it is hard to accept them, but we must, if we are to survive another day. I usually don't talk about work and the things that go on and after having some time I realized I had done just that. We all have bad days, we deal with them, we go on.

The Waters Recede

2008-08-26T06:05:00.000-07:00

After days of rain, and the likely possibility of another flood, the dove has returned with an olive branch and faith has been restored that we will again have dry land. Well maybe not, according to the Weather Channel looks like the "bitch" is circling around creating another low front and will be coming toward us from the other side, nothing major, just more rain. This past weekend was rainy, high winds, nasty, nasty weather, everything is wet, soggy, messy, but we actually were the lucky ones. We caught the band of winds and rain from Tropical Storm Fay only once, whereas, some felt her fury again and again as she criss-crossed across the State of Florida causing major flooding and loss of life. I've got the day off and while it is not raining, I need to get out and pick up some of the branches blown down, but I wanted to say thanks for the comments and for caring. Hugs from the heart..............

Wet and Dreary

2008-08-23T07:01:00.000-07:00

I went to bed last night listening to the pounding rain against the windowpane and the swirling of Fay's howling winds only to wake up to the same sound this morning.

Forecast for the weekend: Wet and Dreary

I Want To Live........

2008-08-19T08:27:00.000-07:00

"Let Me Out!"

"NO!" You know I can't. We've been through this before. You know you're in there for a reason. "Quit asking!"

"Please, I promise to be good this time."

That's what you said last time, and you remember what happened then, don't you?

"You know it wasn't my fault, it just happened. Besides, you were with me, so you're just as much to blame as I was. Now let me out!"

Like I had a choice, you dragged me along protesting, kicking and screaming, but would you listen, NO! You had to go through with it and you see what happened. It's better you stay in there, we're both safer this way.

"But I'm dying, can't you see, can't you feel it, without me there is only existence, there is no life! If I die, you die." Please, I want to live....................

Jay Brannan

2008-08-16T10:00:00.000-07:00

Artist: Jay Brannan
Song: Housewife
Bio: www.jaybrannan.com/page2.html

Have you heard of Jay Brannan? I had not, until I came across him this week while blog hopping (can't remember which blog, sorry) so I had to google him. Take a listen and see if you like him, as much as I do.

Olympics

2008-08-13T08:23:00.000-07:00

Adrenalin pumped, muscle straining, record breaking, fist pumping, another gold medal win excitement. Sitting on edge, heart pounding, blood rushing, then a fall from the balance beam, a stumble, another fall on the floor exercise, a foot out of bounds, the chin quivers, a tear falls, gold medal disappointment. My eyes are blood shot, my body's tired, its been almost midnight or later each night before I can tear my eyes away, I can't get enough, I'm addicted.

Even Grown Men Cry

2008-08-06T10:36:00.001-07:00

I know, I've always been the strong one, the anchor in the raging storm. My arms have held you, protected you, but today I need someone to hold me. I need to feel protected, I need to feel the warmth, the safety of someone's arms around me. I need an anchor.............

A Bleeding Heart

2008-08-02T05:49:00.000-07:00

Today's story is from the pages of a book, covered in dust, hidden away in the archives of Stephen's library. Hidden amongst other books covered in cobwebs, it is a book not often shared or even read by its author. It doesn't make for a good bedtime story nor would it ever make the Bestsellers list, but if your interest has been peaked, sit back, get comfortable, while I rummage through the pages. Ages ago, way, way back almost to the beginning of time when man first began to walk upright is where the story begins. Well, OK, maybe not that far back, but some days my old bones feel as if they were around when the dinosaurs roamed the land, when creatures other than man ruled the world but for the sake of time let's fast forward a few years. The once crisp white pages have now aged, yellowed, the ink faded with the passing of time, some passages barely illegible, somewhat like a memory, bits remembered, bits forgotten. Thumbing through the pages, eyes briefly, quickly reading a few of the faded words as page after page falls upon one another, one passage catches my eye. I stop, I read the words, so long ago written. How could it be? I had forgotten all about this, somehow, somewhere, all that was, was lost in the blackness of forgetfulness. A chill runs down the spine and I shutter to think, wonder, is this what happens? Is it this easy to forget, to put aside hopes and dreams, to allow them to wither away, to die with the passing of time..............

Someday, I will listen to my heart, I will hear more than its beating, I will follow where it leads me. I promise, someday, I will live for me. What has happened, has happened, I can't change it, this I must realize, accept. I did what was expected, I did the right thing, but now I know they were your expectations, what was right for you. I do not place blame, no fault do I lay at your feet. You did, we did this together, certain things were not discussed, certain things were just not accepted. The footsteps in the sand were yours and I walked in them as a young boy, but now this man must make his own and I must remember as this man, I must allow the next young boy to make his own footprints in the sand. I will take his hand, he will walk beside me, this I promise. I pray, his footsteps will be led by his heart, not by his mind. I promise, the same mistakes will not be made. But for now, I will walk in your footsteps, I will do the right thing, I will listen only to the beats of a bleeding heart, but one day...........I promise, I will live for Stephen.

Book in hand, I pause, I sit there..................

The silence is interrupted only by the beating sound of a bleeding heart............

Sleepless In Georgia

2008-07-28T02:20:00.000-07:00

As most of the world sleeps, I stand here peering out into the night. My body is tired from the day's grind, my mind barely functional, but sleep eludes me once again. Exhausted, I would welcome sleep, as much as the arms of a lover, but I find that neither is within my grasp. Unable to shut down, unable to escape, I stand here. Another sleepless night.............

Eye Opener

2008-07-24T05:48:00.000-07:00

I could hear the chants of the demons. Into the bowels of Hell, I was almost dragged, so close I came, the flesh searing heat I felt, but I survived. After the legal advise I received the other day, I'm not ashamed to admit for a few days there I was circling the drain. This meeting was an eye-opener! After everything was laid out, after the last card was dealt, after all the options was tossed around, I knew. After I heard the bottom line figure of a sixty to forty split, I knew. Being my own worst enemy, I had done most of the damaged to myself and I knew the moment I walked out of that office, my demons were preparing for battle. But, this time I was ready, I immediately circled the wagons and waited for the attack. With a vengeance they came, gnashing of teeth, flesh ripping claws they came, some dreams and hopes got lost in the battle, but most importantly, I survived, survived to fight another day...........

A Dream's Death

2008-07-18T08:03:00.000-07:00

Passing of time not only can wither away stone, but dreams, as well. Take it from someone who knows, nothing last forever, not even dreams......... (Stephen)

Options

2008-07-15T10:00:00.000-07:00

My dear old dead Daddy always told me to look before leaping into anything, otherwise, you might find out the hole your dumb ass blindly leaped into is too damn deep to climb out of. And according to him, you never want to be the one saying, WTF, just happened! Well, I took dear old dead Daddy's advise and met with a lawyer today to see what my options might be...... IF....... mind you I said...... IF.......I decided to liquidate the union between the said parties of interest. Funny I used the word, liquidate.......but then again, I did hear it quite a bit today. Liquidate, said parties, of interest, and although he didn't come right out and say it, but you're fucked, should have been in there, as well.

Motivation

2008-07-11T10:05:00.000-07:00

There is nothing I hate more that having to attend a meeting, and this one was mandatory. There was no way out short of it being a matter of life and death, no exceptions the memo stated. No exceptions!

Only one way out I thought, as I thumbed through the newspaper, searching for the obituaries. Scanning the names, not even a cousin twice removed, not even a friend of a friend, not one name, did I vaguely recognize. Damnit! No exceptions, no excuses, crumbling the newspaper, I resigned myself to the fate that awaited. But I had some time, maybe the phone would ring with an impeding death, a last reprieve from the coroner, I still could be saved, I refused to give up hope. I waited, I waited, hand ready to grab the phone, box of tissues for the crying eyes, I was ready, but no phone call came, not even a wrong number. I was doomed, the time had come, I could not wait any longer, feet dragging, dead man walking, down the corridor I went.

As I took a seat, I thought to myself, here we go again. Another meeting, going over the same stuff, listening to the same complaints, hearing the same suggestions, nothing new, nothing changed. How far from the truth, could I've been. Of course, there were some of the same old boring statistics, complaints, suggestions, but I won't bore you with those mundane details. However, I will tell you from the onset of the meeting, a guy sitting across the room caught my eye. I knew everyone there, had seen everyone there day in and day out, but had never seen this new guy. Turned out he was a quest speaker, one of those motivational speakers, some companies use to boost moral. Like I said, he had already caught my eye, but once he took the floor and began his speech, he had my undivided attention. He was what dreams are made of. I know you've heard women say "He undressed me with his eyes," well I'm sure he knows how it feels. Now, don't get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with the way he was dressed. Tie to match his blue shirt, shirt perhaps slightly starched, tucked into a pair of khaki pants, fitted just enough to reveal the slightest hint of a bugle would have been enough to allow my eyes to feast upon, but I had him undressed before he had a chance to utter his first words. I don't know about anyone else, but thank goodness the table prevented others in seeing just how motivated I was.

Rainy Night In Georgia

2008-07-06T18:44:00.000-07:00

Never Ever...hopefully...Never Ever

2008-07-03T06:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, I've got to say it. This is the scariest blog I've ever read. Stephen seems to be on the verge of suicide. Hope that's not the case! (comment left a few days ago)

Just so you know, if at anytime you ever were to hear that Stephen is dead and it appears to have been self-inflicted, it seems to have been intentional, an apparent dead by his own hands, please investigate! I will be the first to tell you there is a Killer on the loose, a fugitive on the run and he has my blood on his hands! Stephen loves himself too much to ever commit suicide. However, I will be the first to admit through the years at some of the lowest times in my life, my demons have tried their damnest. As I try to recall, I remember on two of the most darkest times in my life, I did think about taking my own life, one as a teenager and one not so many years ago. When a close, loved friend committed suicide, his death, my lost, touched me in a way I never thought I feel the sun's warmth again. This time in my life is perhaps the nearest I ever came, those demons, my demons, dragged me so far down, I almost gave in. For weeks, months, I functioned only on auto-pilot, a zombie going through the motions of how you would describe a loved one on life support, I had breathe but not life. Had it not been for pray, friends, and time, I would have been lost. The pain, the anguish is still there, but then so am I. No matter how low my demons may drag me down, somehow, someway I will survive.

Back To Work

2008-06-29T06:56:00.000-07:00

Vacation time is over, time to drag out the old work boots and get your asses back to work. Finally, Stephen might have some time to himself once again. It seems as if everyone's vacation this year for one reason or another came at different times (mine still to come) and for that reason the house has been filled with coming and going and major activity, so much so, that Stephen has had very little time for himself. I've still been working and then on my days off, been pulled and tugged here and there. I'm so tired of hearing let's do this, do that, go here, you have a couple of days off, I've got the bags packed let's go and spend some time at the beach, let's go spend some time in Atlanta and do some shopping. No where in all this did I hear, Stephen, I know you only have a day off, stay home relax, get some rest, while we're gone. But I survived, I endured, I'm strong, I made it through to the other side. Now, maybe things will get back to some normalcy around here, and Stephen will have some time to himself, some down time, some time to be able to blog and visit friend's blogs, time to catch up.

Help, Bring a Key!

2008-06-24T06:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't much time, listen carefully! I'm being held prisoner, held against my will. For weeks on end, shackled, chained, I've been and I'm going stark raving mad. A constant companion I've had, faithful, loyal, always there. It is as if the doctor has placed me on a suicide watch and failed to tell me about it. I need some space, I need some time alone. When did you say your vacation is over? When will I be set free? When will I have time to myself again?

Got to run, my shadow is coming.............please don't forget me..........

Regrets

2008-06-15T08:34:00.001-07:00

When it is time for the flesh to wither, fall from the bone, when all is said and done, will I have any regrets...

Is It You?

2008-06-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

Even though I haven't received a phone call or ransom note, doesn't make it not so. I know one of you has KIDNAPPED the sandman! For nights now, I have waited for my eyes to be dusted, but sleep has eluded me. It is obvious, he's been kidnapped, his dust confiscated! Stand up and confess, make it easy on yourself, don't make me have to track your ass down! I'm tired, I'm exhausted, I've got to have some sleep.

My kingdom for a restful nights sleep...............

Is The End In Sight

2008-05-20T08:12:00.000-07:00

The war has raged on for so many years, one battle after another, a bloody war of right and wrong. I have struggled to reach the mountain top only to be washed down by the bleeding of a wounded heart, nails clawing into the dusty dirt, raw and tender, I have refused to let go. Clinging to the hope that there is, that there will be a glimmer of a new day, somewhere within reach, amidst all this cannon fire and smoke, I have refused to let go. But, have I the strength left to hold on, the strength to fight another battle or is the end in sight for me? Perhaps it is time to surrender, time to raise the white flag smeared with the drying blood, time to lick my wounds and fade silently away.........

Dear God

2008-05-12T06:00:00.000-07:00

Dear God,

I know it has been awhile since our last talk but I was wondering if you had some spare time on your hands and maybe a miracle laying around that wasn't being used, now would be a good time to send it my way. I really need one. I don't want to be all selfish here, but time is running out in case you haven't noticed. I'm holding on to the faith that all things are possible for those that believe but the clock, on the wall, is ticking away and I'm not getting any younger here. Before it is too late, before I have more winkles than the bedsheets, send the damn miracle, please............. AMEN.

Afraid

2008-05-01T05:57:00.001-07:00

This is a earlier post written way back in 2005, in the very infancy of my blog:

Cold Mountain Love...................

When I look into your eyes, not only do I see your soul but mine, as well. The breath you breathe in not only yours but mine,as well. The gentle touch of your hand across my skin warms me like a warm fire on a cold winter's night. My first waking thought, in the morning, is the same as my last thought before sleep captured me and held me prisoner in the darkness, that thought is you. My dreams of you are the only light keeping me safe from the insanity of the night. I am only complete when you're in my embrace, my arms around you, holding you, feeling the beat of your heart. Amazing all consuming love.

When I re-read the words, I ask myself? Have I really ever felt, really ever known this kind of love? Looking inside, deep inside, I know I have loved, I still love, and I know what it is like to be someones all consuming love, but when I ask myself . . .it scares me. A chill runs through me . . . I am cold . . . I can not feel the warmth of such a love and it scares me. I am afraid, I may never know this feeling and it scares me... I tremble.

Never Let Me Go

2008-04-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

When I'm in your arms all the pain I fill inside is gone.

Hold me till nothing else matters..........

Slowly Fading Away

2008-04-15T06:23:00.000-07:00

In the beginning, I knew you were not the holding hand type, but there was something about your hands, the touch of your skin, I could not resist. I knew this of myself, you knew this of me and it was OK. Each time I reached for your hand, each time our fingers entwined, your smile gave you away, telling me it was OK. This you did for me. Once, all I had to do was close my eyes and the memory was so vivid, you although gone, I could still feel your touch, your strength, the warmth of your heart, our fingers entwined, but time can be so cruel, so unforgiving an enemy. Remembering you is easy, I close my eyes, I tuck away my now life, and you are always there, but when I reach for your hand I grasp only the shadow of your memory. Your strength, your warmth is slowly fading, time is stealing you away and there is nothing I can do..............

Tired

2008-04-01T08:01:00.001-07:00

All my days, all my nights, flowing seamlessly into one . . . no rest . . . no peace . . . no quiet. . .no time to think . . . I'm so tired.

A Voice Whispers

2008-03-24T11:55:00.000-07:00

There it is again. Can you hear it? Listen! Surely you must, please tell me I'm not going mad?

Silence ..................

There is no need for words, I do not have to hear you speak them, your eyes, they betray you, I have my answer.

The voice, the whisper is coming from within . . . a voice, a whisper telling "me" it is OK.

My child, your journey has been long and hard, you have faced many trials, many tribulations, many storms have you weathered, but it is OK. "Step into the light," the voice whispers, "it will be OK."

Do I dare listen?

Believe?

Have enough faith?

Have enough strength?

Do I dare .................step into the light ........................

Friends

2008-02-24T08:55:00.000-08:00

From the beginning you have been beside me, cradling me in your arms, the warmth of your body shielding me from the coldness of this world. When the currents try as they may, to pull me under, down into the abyss of death, you have been my strength, keeping my head above the raging waters. Where would I be without you?

Josh Groban - February Song

2008-02-12T11:28:00.001-08:00

Sometimes a song says it all.....

Missing Piece

2008-02-01T06:52:00.001-08:00

I am still looking for that last missing piece of the puzzle. I know it is still out there. At times, when I am down, at my lowest, when I am most vunerable, I will allow doubt to creep in and cloud the senses, but I know deep down that it is waiting for me. I refuse to give up, refuse to stop believing that someday I will find it and the puzzle will be complete.

Tug of War

2008-01-16T07:35:00.000-08:00

Another day dawns in the life of Stephen and still the tug of war rages. The demons, my demons are still there, tauting me, haunting me, tormenting me, but I refuse to allow them to drag me back into the darkness . . . the darkness I have struggled so hard to escape. Wait, don't start shouting Hallelujahs from on High, I have not swung open the closet door yet, but something has changed. The white flag has been raised, my feet, for once, planted firmly on common ground. Years spent trying to analyse how, why, or what I should have done is over, it's to late, it's water under the bridge. Time spent contemplating on what the future holds is over, I cannot see further than today. So, honestly I can not say this year will be the year of freedom or if it will end like the last one, or hundreds of others that have come and gone, but you know, it is OK.

Shattered

2008-01-02T17:44:00.000-08:00

It is hard, so very hard, to escape the demons. For weeks, I have been plagued, tormented by their presence. For weeks, I have been lost, hidden away from everyone, even at times hidden from myself. For weeks, lost in solitude, lost in silence, wandering aimlessly through the end of another year. Another year of dreams, broken promises, failed hopes made to myself . . . shattered. Like a trapped lightening bug finding freedom with the shattered glass, my dreams, my hopes . . . all gone with the passing of the old year. Is it possible, for new beginnings, new hopes, new dreams? Dare I wish upon the New Year?

Missing

2007-12-05T11:55:00.000-08:00

During my morning shave, I stood there looking at the man in the mirror and I realized there was a part of him/me that I no longer could see. For five full minutes, I stood . . . shaving cream drying on my face, hand just holding the razor . . . face to face, I stared. The mirrored image was mine, each line, each wrinkle, etched by time I recognized, but something was amiss, something was different. A part of this man had vanished, a part of me, gone. No longer whole, I stood looking at an empty shell of the man that once was. I was afraid, I had hidden him for so long, shadowed him in secrecy, denied him for so long, that he had given up. His/mine/our hopes, our dreams swallowed up by the darkness of time. Standing there, staring into my own misty eyes, I wonder if our paths will ever cross again. . .

Comments

2007-12-02T19:10:00.000-08:00

There are no words within the covers of the dictionary that could describe what it meant to me reading the comments each of you left on the "Crossroads" post. It only makes me realize that this journey is only made more wonderful by having friends, such as you. Hugs and Kisses: Michael, Dave, Steven, Derek, and Jon.

World Aids Day 2007

2007-12-01T05:31:00.001-08:00

In 2007 33.2 million [30.6 – 36.1 million] people were estimated to be living with HIV.

BUT

With more than 6,800 new infections and over 5,700 deaths each day due to AIDS we must expand our efforts in order to significantly reduce the impact of AIDS worldwide.”

*data source: UNAIDS 2007 AIDS Epidemic Upd

Crossroads

2007-11-27T07:58:00.001-08:00

When you find yourself wandering around in the valley of the shadow of death with no way out, it is hard finding the strength, it is hard trying to hold onto the faith that has been promised. When you find yourself surrounded by cliffs of jagged rocks and there is no rope, when there is no Bear Grylls vine to climb, how do you keep the faith? When you find yourself standing at the crossroads with no roadmap, with no GPS, how do you know which path to take?

Exhausted

2007-11-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

The laughter, the smiles, the hugs were contagious, spreading like a virus, a good disease passing from one to another as each family member or friend arrived yesterday.

Where's my hug? Come here, I haven't seen you in so long.

Haven't seen me? We had lunch yesterday, we talked on the phone last night!

That was yesterday.

Outstretched arms reach and pull you in for yet another squeeze.

That's my family. Seldom a time can I recall not giving or receiving a hug as we see one another and always before leaving there is a hug or a handshake and the utter of those three little words . . . I love you. We don't think about it, it is something we do, it is something we have always done.

So why did I think about it or notice it more so, yesterday? My mind was racing as if a mule's condom bag had burst releasing a rush of its contents directly into my brain. I couldn't help it, I couldn't shut it down. The questions played over and over on my mind's movie screen.

If you knew? Would the hugs still be there? Would I ever hear those three little words . . . I love you? If you really knew?

If you knew? Would the hugs still be there? Would I ever hear those three little words . . .I love you? If you really knew?

Over and over . . . it played!

Today, I am exhausted.

Happy Thanksgiving 2007

2007-11-21T14:11:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I could not let it go by without wishing you, my friends, a Happy Thanksgiving Day and letting you know how much I love and cherish each of you and how much I give thanks to you for always being there for me. Hugs and Kisses from Stephen

Wind Beneath My Wings

2007-11-17T06:05:00.000-08:00

If only I had wings to fly. . .

It Was Hard

2007-11-05T16:11:00.001-08:00

I heard the door open but this is a normal occurrence at work, people are constantly coming and going, so I didn't bother to look and see who had walked up behind me until a hand fell to rest on my shoulder. When I shrivelled around in the chair I came eyeball to crotch with a co-worker. A young guy I had never given a second glance but somehow he had transformed himself into a hot stud. He had the day off, had been working around the house and only stopped by to get something he needed from his locker. Tattered, ripped jeans barely kept his crotch full of man meat covered but the worn out fabric did nothing to hide his muscled thighs covered in thick black hair and here I was face level away. Hot Damn was the first thing that came to mind and I'm still thanking the Gods, I had the piece of mind not to have said it out loud. It was hard, so very hard, but I managed to control myself, at least the outer self, but inside . . . the inner self was melting with lust if the truth had to be told. Thank goodness it was a slow day, my concentration wasn't worth a damn for the rest of day.

I Need A Kiss

2007-11-02T09:37:00.000-07:00

It's A Wonderful World

2007-10-27T10:28:00.000-07:00

Back in 2005, I sat down in front of a blank computer screen and gave birth. Like a newborn baby it came into the world kicking and screaming. Struggling to stay inside, warm, safe and secure, it fought against the labor pains. Bring me my damn epidural now, I shouted. Wait! What was I thinking, was I crazy! Hell, if I had one of those, I wouldn't be able to feel my Dick! The computer screen stared back at me, like a doctor's face peering up from between outstretched legs, it waited. Push. . . push harder, damnit, I said, Push! I wait, I stare at the screen, another contraction comes, I PUSH, it starts to crown, I push harder, out pops some words, a sentence, a thought, it is out, I have given birth. Sucking in its first breath of air, my blog is born. I sit there staring at the words on the screen wondering what in the Hell was I going to do with it now? I hit publish . . . This is from an earlier post describing the day my blog was born, but truthfully it was the day I was born, at least the man I should have been. I had to push hard against the rusty hinges of this closet door, it wasn't an easy task, an easy decision. The doorstop that keeps it open has slipped a few times along the way almost trapping me back into the confines of this darkened closet but the door is still open and it is because of the friends I have met along this journey of self-discovery. It truly is a wonderful world we live in. Always remember, a comment, an email, being someones friend can turn an ordinary day into a special day. Thank-you for my special day. Hugs and Kisses, Stephen

A Blind Date and He Stood Me Up

2007-10-22T08:19:00.000-07:00

Weeks and weeks of planning had went into this, all the preparations made, nothing left to chance, all the arrangements had been taken care of, I thought we had a date. I barely slept the night before thinking about our meeting, my stomach full of dancing butterflies, my eyes glued to the clock and its ticking seconds. I played out all the things that could happen, played out all the things I wanted to happen while I laid there waiting, wide awake. Closing my eyes, I tried to force myself to sleep, but I just couldn't wait any longer, I jumped up, I snatched on the clothes neatly laid out the night before and out the door I went. I knew I wanted to be there long before he arrived. I needed time to get my nerves settled down. I had to keep my excitement in check, I couldn't dare allow him to see what this meant to me. Our first meeting had to be perfect and I knew if I got there ahead of him, I had the advantage. I could watch his approach, I could judge if he was a keeper or not. He had to be at least an "8" before I would even consider it and then have some mass to go along with it. Call me a "Size Queen" if you want, but I wanted something I could wrap my fingers around, the bigger the better. It had been a long time for me and I needed a good one, I needed to feel alive again. I needed this to be my lucky day, but alias, it wasn't. I did everything I was suppose to do, I kept my end of the bargain, but he never showed up. I waited and waited. I looked and I watched. I prayed, but he never showed up. My blind date, stood me up!

How was your opening day of deer season?

I think perhaps this post needs a little explaining. My passion happens to be Deer hunting. My date, in mention, was with an 8 point buck, not a man. As much as I would have loved for it to have been about a possible encounter with a hunk of male flesh, I probably would have been the one not showing up, nothing interferes with my opening day of deer season.

Bowels of Hell

2007-10-13T11:29:00.001-07:00

Sorry for the lack of posting but before I knew what had happened my demons escaped the chains of their confinement and like a thief in the night, they robbed me of any desire, any hope, any feeling. I was alive, there was life, the rise and fall of my chest as I gasped for air told me this, but there was nothing inside. A void, an empty cavity surrounded by the shell of the man, the man that once was. I looked, I searched, but as far has my eyes could see, there was nothing but blackness. I would be lying to you, I would be lying to myself, if I said I never thought about giving up. Many times I thought about taking the easy way out. Many times I thought about closing the door to forever remain in the darkness of this closet. Many times I thought about slowly slipping away, slowly disappearing back into the anonymity from whence I came. Would any one know I was gone? Would any one care? My demons taunted me with their whispers to hit the delete button. My finger rested on the key many times but I could not press, I just could not. Something, someone would not allow it. I stumbled, I bled from the jagged rocks, hand over hand, I clawed my way back from the Bowels of Hell. Beaten, battered, I emerge once again, I refuse to give up. . . I refuse to shut the door.

God

2007-09-28T13:51:00.000-07:00

Are you there?

Are you listening?

Peering From Within

2007-09-17T08:52:00.000-07:00

Like a nasty rumor too good to keep to ones self from mouth to ear it spread like a virus infecting each person it came into contact with.

Lock up your children,their coming to town. Their to camp on the outskirts of town, down by the river, they'll be. Keep your valuables close at hand,lock your doors, bar your windows, their coming to town. Down by the river, they'll be.

The virus spread.

My heart skipped a beat, maybe two when it came my time to be infected and I heard "they" were coming to town and "they" were to camp on the outskirts of town. Down by the river, I heard, they'll be. I wasn't afraid of losing a child, I wasn't afraid of being robbed in the dead of night, something far greater caused the hairs on my neck to stand up, and it was this something far greater that I was afraid of. The hands of the clock took their time ticking off the minutes, I waited. I wish I could say patiently I waited, but it was agonizingly painful, father waiting on his firstborn painful. But I waited, I had to know.

Black as a witches cauldron was the night, no moon, no stars, the darkest night I had ever seen as I made my way to the outskirts of town, down to the river, where they were supposed to be. Now too small an area, my heart pounded the walls of my chest in anticipation, scared to find out, scared not to find out. I had to know and this was my chance, perhaps, my only chance. I would have brought someone with me,if it had been possible but this was something I had to do alone. The only light of the camp flickered in the night keeping the arms of darkness at bay as shadows, blackened silhouettes, danced to the music. A stranger stepped from the darkness into the light of the camp, the music, the dance stopped, I stood there, I waited. Without a word, the oldest, not without pain, stood and walked toward me. The music, the dance began again as her gnarled twisted fingers took mine and led me away.

I have looked into the Gypsy woman's crystal ball and there was nothing. I thought there would have been more. I had prayed with all there was inside for more, but once the swirling smoke cleared there was nothing but a glass ball sitting on a table.

Acceptance can be such an evil word . . . she whispers.

Not fully open, not completely closed, always peering out into the world from within. A life, slightly ajar. A dream just out of reach.

Acceptance can be such an evil word. . .she whispers.

Dear Diary

2007-09-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

Dear Diary,
With pen in hand, I stare at the blank page, the empty lines, but there is nothing but darkness. Hidden in the void the words are there, they hunger for release, for freedom, but they cannot find their way out. The promise of a new life, a chance to live, tempts them from the light shining from underneath the door. Hostages held, bound, tied, the words struggle to come together. They know in numbers there is strength, in numbers words become thoughts, in numbers words are stronger than the sticks glued together to form the door that holds them captive. In numbers words become sentences, the lines no longer blank. In numbers words becomes ideas . . . dear diary, can you keep a secret?

I Know From Where The Tears Flow

2007-08-31T09:08:00.000-07:00

From the start, the very beginning, a mist surrounded the truth of who I was, of what I was. Hidden in the folds of shadows, I traveled down a road searching, thinking, and yes, perhaps fooling myself into believing happiness, my happiness, truth, my truth was only a bend in the road ahead. The clarity of my vision nothing but a lie, me, nothing but a fool. A conclusion, a realization that has taken me a lifetime in admitting is painful, I bleed, the blood I shed are the tears of clouded eyes. I have lived a lifetime surrounded by the fog, surrounded by the gray and I fear it will never lift . . . I fear too much water has flowed under the bridge . . . I fear I have waited too long . . . I fear I will never see the colors of my life as it should have been.